First off, special thanks to Plain Vanilla for giving me a Spring Break week off last week. I needed a week to recharge and figure out the next stage in my journey. So now I am back and hopefully better than ever.
Lately in my journey it seems that I am in a game of Chutes and Ladders with myself. I have these incredible highs where I am loving myself more and appreciate the work I am putting in to it and grateful for all the support that I am getting. Then I have these incredible lows of falling and feeling like I am not doing enough, that I do not deserve the admiration I am getting and should not be praised for what I am doing because I still have so far to go. Last week was one of those weeks.
I suffer from depression. I take meds for it every day and it is not something that I let stop me…until I let it stop me. I can be my best friend and worst enemy. Sometimes I feel the depression coming on and I do everything in my power to fight it back. Then there is last week where I hugged that depression like an old friend and did not let it go. My depression when I do embrace it, affects everything I am and everything I do. Not many people will ever notice that I am going through it. I have gotten darn good at wearing the “everything is good” mask and keeping that deep sadness to myself. I am not sure that the people who interact with me on a regular basis even noticed it. But last week was a tough damn week.
Everything just came in to my head last week. That I am a failure. I am not losing weight fast enough. I am a fraud. I am pulling off the greatest acting job by having people think that I am working hard and taking care of myself. I am alone. I do not deserve to be loved by my friends or by someone special. These were all the thoughts that were running through my head last week, that had me slide lower and lower and lower. The more I hated being in that position, the more I embraced it because I felt like I deserved to be there.
Then Friday, something different happened. A new ladder appeared. This ladder was in the form of my friend Michelle. Michelle is not a friend I see too often, just occasionally in the halls at work. But Michelle and I agreed to walk at lunch last Friday. And that is exactly what we did. We walked and we talked. For some reason I felt comfortable enough to tell her my hidden sadness. She understood. She related. She did not judge or try to tell me how to become not sad. She did what a good friend does, she listened and she affirmed me. I am not sure why I felt like I could trust her with admitting my sadness, but I am glad I did. I left the walk with her slowly climbing back up the ladder in my journey.
With all that sliding down chutes last week there were some really cool NSV (see last blog) highs that happened:
• On Friday’s walk I walked my 100th mile. (And I will walk 100 more…) This was an amazing thing that I really should marvel at more. 100 miles?? That still is crazy to me that I have walked that much in the last six months. And to think the next 100 miles will be even faster than that.
• I walked my 4th official 5K on Saturday. And the 5K (3.1 miles) was more like 4 miles. By the time it was all said and done I had walked the furthest I had ever walked, almost 4 miles. I crossed a major threshold in my walking. After the walk was over I was sore and in a bit of pain, but I recovered nicely. By Sunday I was feeling great and had no issues.
• I am proud to say that I had two friends do some significant walking last week. One friend walked three miles each day for 8 days straight. The other walked at least two miles a day for a week. I am so proud of them. If starting to walk inspired them at all to start that, then I am glad I started.
• I bought a 3X shirt last week, and hung it up where I can see it every day. I want to wear that shirt soon (it is an awesome nerd shirt) and I want to see, so it will motivate me.
The thing about journeys is that at times you get lost. When you lose your way and you have to find someone to help get you on the right path again. People want to help. Friends want to help. Family wants to help. They just need to know that you are hurting and need help. It is our job as being a part of the journey to not only ask for help, but to take it and accept it for what it is. Love.
Sincerely, Chris
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