Chris's Journey Entry 15: You Will Not Be This Way Forever

Entry 15: You Will Not Be This Way Forever I do not know really what to say. I have thought about it for a week and as of an hour ago, I still did not know what to say. So I am now home from the gym, sweaty and exhausted. I figured I would just sit down at the computer and see what comes out. I had not weighed myself in a while. I just do not like to weigh myself. Usually weighing myself results in hurt feelings and picking on myself for not doing better. Last time I weighed myself I was 450 pounds. That was right before Christmas. I weighed in today at 442. 8 pounds, I lost 8 pounds! I thought it was six after I weighed myself, but looking at the records I was 450…so 8 pounds baby! I will make this promise to myself. I will never weigh 450 pounds again. That stage of my life is done. Now it is time for the next step, getting to the 300s. I have gotten a lot of nice compliments over the past few weeks. My trainer saw me walking across my work campus last week and said she could tell that I lost weight. That is like gold to someone trying to lose weight. A few friends continue to see me walking and give me the loveliest messages. Another friend told me the other day that he noticed I was moving better…not stumbling around so much. And then my dietician told me the best compliment of them all. She said that she liked the man that I am becoming. That is just too cool to me. I felt pretty amazing after that comment! I went to walk today and really couldn’t. The weather here in Jacksonville is raining and damp and just bleak. So I went to the gym and got on the dreaded treadmill. In case you do not know, I HATE the treadmill. It is a torture device. Walk, and never actually go anywhere. After 5 minutes on the evil device I was done. I just like to walk outside. And I am going to stick to it. Francesca, recommended that I do some fitness band work outs and do cardio in between. In between the first fitness band workout, we went in to the fitness classroom and I was going to walk around. Francesca recommended that I carry a bosu ball (http://bosu.com/) over my head for the laps I was doing. So I did three laps. Then I carried it on my chest for another three laps. I then finished my fitness band workout and then did 8 laps total holding the bosu ball. It was a great work out even though Runtastic was not able to show it to you. I need to remember that while Runtastic is wonderful and getting the walking in is huge, the important thing is to continue to do things that are healthy for me. So any kind of exercise needs to be the goal and not just showing off for you all (even though I love to do that). On February 15th, I have signed up to do my first official 5K race (walk). I am excited and nervous, but I think it is going to be really good. I have some amazing friends that are going to walk with me and I am going to proudly get my first 5K medal at the end. I am really looking forward to the end of that race. That will be a great day. The title of this entry is, “You will not be this way forever”. Francesca told me this during one of my walks (the 5K one). I really liked the statement. Anytime I pick on myself or am hard on myself, I need to remind myself that I will not be this way forever. I am working and more importantly I am learning to take care of myself. This may be a slow process (458 pounds in October, 442 pounds in January) but I am going down. I just need to keep my eye on the price. A healthier Chris. Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey #14- 7 day challenge

Entry 14: Seven Day Challenge A week or so ago when Francesca and I were walking what would be my first 5K, I was telling her about the People Magazine, “I lost half my size” issue. There was a guy in there that began at 607 pounds and lost over 400 pounds to be at the weight he is at now. When interviewed he said that he started off by walking a mile a day. I was blown away by that. When I walk I need a day to recover. My joints hurt, my back hurts, and my feet hurt. Everything hurts, and walking two days in a row is always difficult. Now sure I have walked 2 and even 3 days in a row. But every day?? So I came up with a challenge for myself. Walk seven days straight, and walk at least a mile. I can walk more than a mile if I want, but the only obligations were each day for seven days and ONE mile. I decided that after each walk, I would journal about it so I can see what my thoughts were after each walk. Maybe even see what struggles I had. And if I did not walk on a particular day, I would write about that too. I need to learn more about myself in this journey. I think this will help. Here are the results of the 7 Day Challenge. Day One of Seven Day Challenge Felt pretty good today. Nice cool day. Bought blister band aids that are padded for my blistered little toe on my left foot. It worked like a charm. My foot did not hurt that much and I was able to knock the first day of walking out. Did a 20:52 mile, my fastest yet. Feel super good about that. Legs a little heavy and right ankle bothering me a bit. Not sure why. Tomorrow will be the real test. Can I do two days in a row for the first time in a while? I told myself as I walked, it is only a mile. Push it. Listened to Britt Nicole. “Ready or Not” is rapidly becoming a favorite song of mine. Lot on my mind to sort out but felt good to get my walk done. Day Two I am learning the hardest part of walking for me is to just go. The hour, half hour, and fifteen minutes before the walk consists of me trying to talk myself out of it. “You can do it tomorrow”, “you are too tired”, “you want to get home” are all things the float in my head. But once I am out there I am in the moment. I get tired, do not get me wrong, but it is like rolling a car up a hill then down. Up is hard, once it is down momentum takes over. And that was today. When I finally got out there and turned the Runtastic app on, I was going. So I finished my 1.3 miles today and look forward to seeing what happens tomorrow. Day Three Today was the first day since the 5K that my feet felt good. Thank goodness. The blisters were awful. But the one thing I have to do is stay focused. For me the focus is walking 7 days straight. Feels good having a goal like this. Tomorrow will be a challenge. I have an appointment right after work. Will have to stay disciplined to make sure that after work and my appointment are done, that I knock the walk out. Let’s see if there is a day four. Day Four Day four was tough. I had an appointment right after work. I had to be focused. If I was not focused, I would have blown it and not walked. So after the appointment, I went to my apartment and kept telling myself: change, shoes, walk. Change, shoes, walk. I got up to my place and I changed. And I got out there. It was a cool night. I will say that this walk was tough. I have never walked 4 days in a row. Legs were not there. I was so happy when the mile was done. Day Five I had to stay focused today again. I once again another appointment right after work. And it ran late too. By the time I got home it 5:45 and the lights were almost down. But as soon as I got upstairs I got changed immediately and got out there before I could think about it. Feel good that I accomplished the walk today. Legs are super heavy. Five days straight…longest yet. So want a break, but I can in two days. Day Six Wow, cannot believe I have one day left. I have almost walked a full week. Walked over 7 miles so far. I really needed today too. I had an unbelievably bad day at work. I really was hard on myself about issues we were having. The one thing I have figured out with my walking is that I can really get in to my head and sort things out. After a while I get so tired that my issues do not seem so large anymore. Just me, and the road, and my breath, and my music, and my thoughts. I was able to organize things in my head and just feel better. The one odd thing today was walking in my jeans and work clothes. I will never enjoy that. But hey I did and day 7 is tomorrow to complete my 7 day challenge! Day 7 Mission accomplished! But to be honest there was NO WAY I was not going to complete the 7 day challenge. God made a gorgeous day. He gave me a break where it warmed up enough to walk and it was day 7! Once I got past day 5 this was a done deal. I feel so amazing to have accomplished this. Here is the breakdown: 7 days walking, 3 hours 13 minutes total walking, 8.44 miles walked, and 1 soul feeling great! This seems like a simple challenge, but to me it was not. To be able to work this and complete it, I feel like I can accomplish anything. I encourage you to find a challenge that you can do. It is amazing how you can feel about it. These last seven days were for me, and I am so grateful for them. Sincerely, Chris

Gate River Run Training

I decided to do train for a 15K. I started a Gate River Training at work, so myself and four other ladies are following a great Hal Higdon's novice programs. I changed it up a little as far as days to fit my schedule.
Some of the ladies run and other do a 3/2 3 minute walk, 2 minute run.

Week	Su	M	T	W	Th	F	Sa
1	30 min Cross Train	Stretch & Strength	2 m	2m run & strength	30 min Cross Train	Rest	2m Run
2	30 min Cross Train	Stretch & Strength	3m	2m run & strength	30 min Cross Train	Rest	3m Run
3	30 min Cross Train	Stretch & Strength	3m	2m run & strength	35 min Cross Train	Rest	4m Run
4	40 min Cross Train	Stretch & Strength	2m	2m run & strength	35 min Cross Train	Rest	2m Run
5	40 min Cross Train	Stretch & Strength	4m	3m run & strength	40 min Cross Train	Rest	5m Run
6	50 min Cross Train	Stretch & Strength	4m	3m run & strength	40 min Cross Train	Rest	6m Run
7	50 min Cross Train	Stretch & Strength	3m	3m run & strength	45 min Cross Train	Rest	4m Run
8	60 min Cross Train	Stretch & Strength	5m	3m run & strength	45 min Cross Train	Rest	7m Run
9	60 min Cross Train	Stretch & Strength	5m	3m run & strength	45 min Cross Train	Rest	8m Run
10	Rest	Stretch & Strength	3m	2m run & strength	30 min Cross Train	Rest	Race

Chris's Journey #13

Entry 13: “Every Time You Walk You Get One Step Closer to Your Goal”

So on Wednesday of last week, I went to see a new counselor. The time with my last one was up and I had to find a new one. I had done too much good work with Michelle to let it get squandered, so in my last few sessions, we discussed what I called “Endgame”. What happened after my sessions with Michelle were completed? To say I was nervous was an understatement, but decisions had to be made.

Michelle recommended a licensed mental counselor (I think that is the title) by the name of Hope to me. Before the end of 2013 I met with Hope and discussed her taking me on as a client and me taking her on as a counselor. We asked questions back and forth and got to know each other. Hope has a sharp wit, and is very intelligent, much like Michelle. Where Michelle and Hope differ is their styles. Michelle is very laid back and thoughtful. She remembers everything (both good and bad) and is patient. Hope is very energetic. She really gets in to helping people. And she will call you on things. She does not take shenanigans. I got a feeling she is going to really test me. I will be honest, that makes me excited and nervous all at the same time.

Hope tested me the first time I met her by asking me a question that has still been in my head since she asked it. And I am no closer to getting to an answer yet. Hope asked me, “Why are you afraid to succeed?” And with that question, that complicated and yet simple question my brain has been on overdrive. At this time I do not have any answers. I really wish I did. But I will continue to think on it.

In the second meeting with Hope we talked about me using absolutes all the time (see Blog entry 9 about black and white thinking). And she is right. “Always” is a word I use a lot. The more I fight not using absolutes the more it seems like I entrench myself in them. I just wish I caught myself using them more so I can recognize and maybe stop using them. Add to the list of another thing I need to work on.

Then Hope towards the end of the meeting said something that will stay with me. “Every time you walk, you get one step closer to your goal.” “Every time you come here you get one step closer to your goal”. She is so right. I am so focused on how long my journey will be and how I have to fight, fight, fight, that I forgot that I am so much closer now than I was when I started in October. I am one step closer than I was when I started with Michelle a little over a year ago. I am one step closer every time I put a healthy habit on myself. I am one step closer anytime that someone reads one of my entries and gets something out of it. I am right now closer than I have ever been to getting healthy. And guess what? I will be even closer tomorrow. And even closer a month from now, and even a year from now. Closer than I have ever been! And that excites me. As much as I wonder if this is all worth it, I start to tell myself it is worth it. And you know why it is worth it? Because I AM WORTH IT! I may forget it from time to time, but I say it now in front of God and the whole world, I AM WORTH IT!

On Thursday of this week, I walked my first 5K, well actually 5.60 kilometers. My trainer and friend Francesca was with me every step of the way cheering (and picking on me). I was so tired after the walk. I had three bad blisters on my feet after that walk. I had a bloody little toe after that walk (from the blister), but I made it. Was I tired? Yes. Did my calves cramp up on me? Yes. Did I kick a 5K’s butt? Yes! Another step closer.

So right now at this very second, I am a step closer. But I want company. I hope friends, family, and strangers decide to come with me to get one step closer. So I ask all of you, do you think you’re worth it? I think you are, because I found out that I AM WORTH IT!

Sincerely,

Chris

Chris's Journey #12

Entry 12

Entry 12: Addiction

My name is Chris and I am a compulsive over eater. I have said those words before during an Overeaters Anonymous meeting many years ago. Admitting you have an addiction is the first step to recovery. It has taken me many years to be able to say those words and mean it. I was stubborn a very long time. Well not really even stubborn. I was in denial.

There were many times that friends would talk to me about my eating addiction. I would say that I could figure it out or that I had plenty of time to fix it. Or, I would just listen as my friend would just pour their heart out to me about wanting me to get better. I would nod or half-heartedly listen. I cannot tell you how much I regret not listening to the conversations more. It may have gotten me to where I needed to be sooner. It at least would have been more respectful.

The hardest part is the addiction. My brain does not work very well when it comes to eating. There is not a voice in my brain that says “stop eating, you are eating too much”. If it is there, then it gets shout down by, “wow this is good, keep piling it in”. I even have this irrational thought process that I need to eat a lot because I will never eat again. That has been something I have been working on in counseling for the past couple months. I still cannot understand it. I was never starved as a child. I never wanted for food. But for every meal, that same thought is always there. Eat a lot now; you do not know when you will be able to eat again.

So every day it is a battle. A battle to eat healthier foods. A battle to portion control. A battle to take care of myself. I am sad to say, I have not been winning many battles. Every time I walk is a battle won, but on the food front, there are very few medals for winning battles. I just feel defeated and wounded and hurt. And this is an everyday thing for me. Every day I feel this way. Every day I feel like I am going to battle without any weapons.

I have not completely won the war when it comes to exercise. I do win a lot more battles than I used to. Lately I have not been walking nearly as much as I did in the last few months. I need to figure out ways to challenge myself. I am working on that now (more details to come).

Then there is the war on food. And the enemy is everywhere. At times I want to completely surrender. But I think of those friends who were brave enough to tell me how they felt about me hurting myself with food. I will say I am better. The walking has helped me want to eat better. Want to eat smaller. But I am not completely there yet. I will soon be doing a huge counter offensive on the food war. I know I said you cannot just set a date; you just have to jump in to doing a lifestyle change. That is very true. But this battle for me is so different. It is just so hard. And I have FAILED so many times. Just have to psych myself for one more try. I wanted to get the exercise down first, then the food. As hard as exercising is, the food will be the hardest part. It always is.

I will continue to keep you posted about my addiction. This entry is just the tip of me covering this topic. Just know that I am taking this seriously and will battle again. Sincerely, Chris