Chris's Journey # 11

Entry # 11: 2014: A New Hope

I was dreading New Year’s Eve this year. But to be honest, I dread New Year’s Eve (NYE) almost every year. Except for a select few NYEs I have never been a fan because of that stroke of midnight. The stroke of midnight where one year becomes the next and for me, no chance has happened. No kiss at midnight which I have never had. No looking at the new year with promise and hope. Just a dread that nothing had changed that year and nothing will change the next one. Even with all the amazing things that have happened over the past few months, earlier today on NYE I was beginning to feel the same way. I was feeling down about doing nothing again tonight.  As I was about to leave work and walk to my car, a funny thing happened. God stepped in, and in the form of two old friends and their kids.

I was saying good night to a co-worker when a felt a buzz in my pocket. My co-worker even said, “Hey, isn’t that your phone?” I recognized that it was and answered it. The caller on the other end was my college roommate Eric. He and his wife (the amazing Laura) and their two kids wanted me to come over for a movie night tonight on their front lawn. Without thinking (thank God) I immediately said yes. After another phone call, dinner was promised and I headed over. 

The night was amazing. The movie was hilarious (Despicable Me 2), the dinner was delicious, and the company was what made the night. I got hugs. I got affirmations of me as a friend and as a person. I got what I needed. Time with people…and not just ordinary people, but some of my favorite people. After the movie was over and clean-up was done, I headed home with love in my heart and a new outlook on the New Year.

As I was driving home, I had a big smile on my face. I thought about 2014, my 40^th year on this planet. 2014 WILL be a different year. 2014 will be looked at by me as a year that I got closer to getting healthy. 2014 will be looked at as a year that I finally learned the value that I have a person, friend, child of God, and man. My 40^th year is going to be so amazing. It will be productive, and it will be fruitful. I will continue my walking journey. I will learn to eat better. I will take care of myself. I will continue to learn to love myself and all the quirks and faults that make me, me. 

A month ago I create a list of visual goals. Goals that I saw myself accomplishing in the future. My counselor told me to create the goals, but to create them in a way where I see myself accomplishing them. I listed those goals on my Facebook page. Those of you who did not see that list, here it is:

Goals: Image Goals…Where I See Myself (with a few additions)

·         Walk my first 5K. The Color Run…February 15, 2014!

·         Able to walk unafraid of not finishing at the 2014 March for Babies 5K. (May 2014)

·         Thinking and feeling that I am good enough for that woman to ask her out, and know if she says no, it is not because I am fat and not worthy.

·         Go in to Old Navy and buy a shirt.

·         Go to any store I want to and buy clothes in it, instead of being able to go to only one store.

·         Finish the Gate River Run 15K (long term visual goal).

·         Buy a suit and feel confident that I look good in it and not “fat man in a tiny coat”.

·         Eating properly at almost every meal with the occasional splurge and not splurge at every meal with the occasional eating properly.

·         Not feeling shameful over my weight ever again.

·         Celebrate with friends (not food) every 25 days of walking. (I already did this one once!)

·         Celebrate at every marathon I walk during this journey (every time I walk more than 26.2 miles) (I already did this once!).

·         Be able to get down on one knee to propose to the woman of my dreams.

·         Run around with my nephews.

·         Look in the mirror with confidence.

·         Disney World and Universal Studios, and be able to ride on the rides.

·         Sit in a booth table comfortably.

·         Love myself.

Now this list is every evolving. It will continue to grow. I will accomplish some in 2014. I will eventually accomplish all of it. 2013 was the beginning. 2014 will be even better.

Before I finish up, let me list some accomplishments of 2013.

1.       I started walking on a regular basis. I have walked 30 days and over 50 miles.

2.       I have seen a counselor for a year straight and we are actively working my issues.

3.       I am slowly learning how to eat better.

4.       I love the person I am more and more.

5.       The hatred I felt for myself is getting less and less.

6.       In order to take care of myself better I have bought the following: running shoes, running socks, exercise bands, and exercise shorts and hats. Before this year, I had never bought anything for specifically taking care of myself.

7.       I have written 11 weeks of blogs on my health (mentally, physically, and emotionally).

8.       I am being honest with everyone in my life.

9.       I am being honest with myself.

Nine accomplishments for 2013! Not bad at all. 2014 there will be more. I really cannot wait to accomplish them, and to share it with you.

Happy New Year!

Sincerely,

Chris

Chris's Journey- #10

Entry 10: Motivations Comes in All Shapes & Sizes (The Story of Day 28)

The story of day 28 begins a little over ten years ago. Ten years ago last August I got a call from my best friend’s husband telling me that their baby is coming early, and that it should be anytime now. I was shocked. This was August and the baby was supposed to be born in November. Two and a half months early? I was scared. I was scared for my friend whom I consider family and her unborn son that was so excited for the world that he decided to come out sooner than expected. So a few hours later I received another call that a baby boy was born and was in intensive care. I asked to come down and was told not to. Mom and Dad were going to be by baby’s side and this was not the time for visitors. I hung up the phone and prayed. Prayed that my friend made it through the birth; prayed that while the baby was struggling, he was alive and fighting. 

So it is ten years later, and this baby boy whom I am proud to call my first God son is alive and fighting. You see the last ten years have not been easy for him. Because he was a preemie he has had health issues all his life. He and I relate a little because he has had just as many ear surgeries as I have had. But he had several other issues that has had him battle and battle and battle. And with every issue he has always picked himself up again.  If you meet him, you would never know he has any kinds of issues. He is funny. He is very charming. And he is very, very active. He is also smart as a tack, and asks questions about things that adults have not considered. And even through all the issues this amazing boy has had, he LOVES God and Jesus. Most would have thrown up their hands and asked why, but this boy just loves. Do you want to know what inspires me? My God son inspires me.

So a few weeks ago I got a text message saying that my God son had another condition. This one was big. Surgery big. Potential for all sorts of bad things to happen big. I was shocked. I was not much help to my best friend, as I did not know what to say to her. What does one say to someone when their ten year old boy has to have another surgery that might have to save their life? I wish I was a more of a comfort, but I was not. But my best friend said this to me, “he won’t be able to walk for a few days. Walk for him. In your journey walk for him.” And I did. I was proud to have those journey days dedicated to him. 

My God son is back home from his surgery now. He is still healing and on the mend. His mom has to slow him down, because even though he had major surgery a week ago, he is still a force of nature. He still wants to play and run and tackle his younger brother. But he needs to heal. He has to heal. He wants to walk and run, but he cannot right now. He needs to heal so that he can get better.

So now comes day 28 for me, which was last Friday. On the day before my team at work and I went to a food bank to help stock and move canned and boxed food around for people that the next day would be coming to get so they could eat on Christmas day. I did not work as hard as some of my team members, but I did lift and move a lot of heavy food. It was difficult work, but it was good work. After the event was over, my legs, back and ankles hurt. I was a wreck. I knew I was not going to walk this day, but needed to do it Friday. If I did not walk on Friday, I am not sure when I would have a chance over the weekend. I did not want to miss another day. So I set my alarm for 5 AM and packed my work clothes in a bag. I was going to get up and walk before work, and then start my day.

As you all know 5 AM is very early. My alarm went off and I was not happy about it. I got up out of bed and felt every bit of my weight as my back still ached and my knees hurt. I moved around my apartment to loosen up. Nothing happened. I still was in pain and struggling. I sat on my bed again and decided I could not walk today. I was too hurt, too wrecked, and too tired. Maybe I could walk another day.

Then I looked up at my wall and saw a picture of my nephews and my two God sons of my best friend (well one official God son and one unofficial). My best friend gave me this amazing picture of the four of them last Christmas. It is one of my most cherished possessions. When I looked at the picture, I saw my God son there with his amazing smile and his arm around my oldest nephew. I could not tear my eyes away from his image. And then it hit me. This 10 year old kid was battling every day to live his life how he wants to live it. A 10 year old boy who has had more issues than I have fingers (and maybe toes). This ten year old that if he could would be out walking no matter what time of the day it was. He would walk for me if I needed it. At ten, he would do anything for me. And I was complaining about my back? I was complaining about my knees? I knew I was not injured. I was just sore and there is no reason why you cannot walk if you are sore. So I got my shoes and clothes on and drove to work. I checked in with the gym and with Francesca and went on my walk. As I walked I noticed I was super tired, but I did not hurt at all. My back felt good. My knees felt good. So I walked on.

Day 28 is one of my proudest days walking. Did I walk very far? No, I walked 1.20 miles. Did I walk very fast? No I did not. I did the mile in 25 minutes. But I walked. I was inspired by this 10 year old that has more courage than I do. It was not a great walk, but it was my favorite walk because of why I did it. I do not have any conditions that would prevent me from walking. And if that 10 year old cannot walk even though he desperately wants to, I can walk with the thought of him on my mind and prayers. 

Motivation can come from anywhere. But the best kind of motivation comes from things that you have your heart invested in. 

Sincerely,

Chris

Chris's Journey #9- With Black and White and No Room for Gray

Entry 9: With Black and White and No Room for Gray

One of the biggest struggles that I have with my weight, my food, and my exercising is black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is when you do one thing or the other, and do not entertain the thought of other options or continuing after a set back. For me, this thinking means, I am on a diet or I am not on a diet. I am either exercising or I am not. I am either on something or I am off of it. No picking up where I last was. I did not do that task; therefore I am not doing it anymore. This topic is so hard to talk about, so hard to describe, so I think I will give some past examples. 

In 2009 at the YMCA at work, there was a 12 week challenge called, Ultimate Weigh Loss. The YMCA would provide their facilities, their trainers, a dietician, and scheduled programs to help people that were interested in losing weight. I succeed in this program. It was partially a contest and I can get competitive at times. So I worked out 5 days a week, I watched my food, and after the 12 weeks was done, I was 30 pounds lighter. I was feeling so good and I had confidence that I never had. Then Christmas hit. Then I got a bad chest infection for several weeks. After a month of not working out, I decided it was done. I failed at this weight loss try and because I have not been doing it, then I am done. No need to continue or to try to get back to it. I failed. I failed again. Time to go back to laziness and struggle. Time to go back to putting myself down. No one can make me feel as bad as I can make myself.

In 2007 I decided to do a clinic weight loss program through a hospital. I had access to a nutritionist, and I had access to a group of people that wanted to help me. I did this program for several weeks. Then the food got expensive. And there were limited choices on what to eat. I did this program for 6 weeks, until I could not take the food anymore. I decided to quit the program. But instead of trying something else, I quit all together. I am either on a program or off of it, no room for middle ground.

In 2005, my buddy Jonathan and I decided to do Weight Watchers together. We would exercise and keep each other accountable. We were strong for 6 months or so. I lost over 40 pounds. Jonathan was an inspiration. He was killing it. I fed off of that and it made me work harder. Then Jonathan got a new job with a new schedule. We stopped going to Weight Watchers all together. He continued to work on his weight. I did not. Not going to Weight Watchers anymore Chris? Well then I am off of this weight loss try. I failed again. Bring on the shame. Bring on the guilt.

The hardest part of this whole process happened at Thanksgiving weekend. I talked about this struggle in entry 7 two weeks ago. I really thought I was done this time. I stopped walking over the course of a few days, so that means that I am not walking anymore. I am done.  Well, an interesting thing happened as you all know. I got back on the horse again. One of the things my counselor has been telling me is that when I fall down, I can get back up again. But it is my decision to decide, do I keep falling downward or do I get back up. Well for one of the first times in my life, I got back up again. I stalled after day 20. I could have stopped and said well at least I walked 20 days. But I focused myself and found a way through support to walk day 21 and then 22. Today was day 27, and it went great. I was late to get to the gym because of an assignment that came up at work, and when I got out, it was dark outside.  I had a good excuse not to walk. But I decided to anyway. I just modified my walk. I made it a timed one mile walk, so I was not out in the dark that long. I did not choose to be on or off. I chose another option. I chose gray.

This journey is a constant learning process for me. With every walk with every journal entry, with every counseling session I have I learn to heal myself a little more. Healing me of black or white thinking is a struggle. I cannot tell you how many times I have quit in my head. Thankfully, my feet did not hear the words, “I quit” and kept on walking. 

So as I continue in this journey, I will fight to stay in the gray. Please ask me anytime as to how my gray journey is going. Keep me accountable.

Sincerely,

Chris

Tell It to me Tuesday- Chris's Journey #8

Entry 8: Chris Hollister: An Unexpectant Journey

Previous weigh in: 451 pounds Current weigh in: 448 pounds

Still no eating changes, only walking. Now let’s get with this week’s entry.

On Thursday of this week I will reach another visual goal. I will have successful walked 25 days. In those 25 days, I have walked over 40 miles and have noticed that things are still not any easier. I will never be at my end goal until the Lord calls me home, but that end goal is not that important. The journey is what is important. With that in mind it reminds me of that first walk 2 months ago.

Over the past 2 months I have received a lot of wonderful feedback. To say that it is overwhelming is an understatement. Part of me likes basking in that love and the other part of me wants to hide from it. People want to say I am an inspiration. That is so incredibly kind. I am honored to hear people say that about me. I will say it is still very odd for me to hear that. I do not feel like an inspiration. I do not feel like Peter Cetera (ohhh an 80’s reference) should be singing about me. All I can see is a scared boy in a morbidly obese body that feels like he will fail at any minute. That failure is what charges me up. Thinking of that failure makes me want to walk. Funny to think that two months ago, I did not want to walk. Nothing motivated me to do anything at all. I was just a fat man sitting on the couch. But what is interesting is that when this journey started almost 2 months ago, it did not start as a journey, it started as a normal day.

It was a Thursday morning. I awoke early (which for me is really saying something). Awake at 4:45 AM would annoy anyone. I was not annoyed, I was anxious. Later that Thursday I was checking in to a sleep study clinic for the night. I had a sleep study done about 13 years ago. I hated it. Very little sleep and uncomfortable cords set up all over me. But I needed to get check out for sleep apnea. I agreed to do it after a year of my own doctor telling me to get the study done. I knew I was not going to sleep that night. I am terrible with no sleep. I had to do something to get me to sleep. So it was 4:45 in the morning and in 17 hours I would be settling down to a terrible night of rest. I searched through my head, thinking “what can I do to guarantee me falling asleep later that night?” Finally it occurred to me. I needed to wear myself out. I needed to do something active. I hated the gym. I hated the treadmill. I hated working out. How would I let out enough energy to help me sleep that night? Then another thought came in to my head. Just put on your shoes and grab your cell phone and walk. So I did just that, I put on my shoes and headphones and decided to walk down my own street.

Let me get this clear to all of you. When I started this, I had no agenda to walk. Walking was the furthest thing on my mind. I just felt like I needed something to help me fall asleep that night. So the first day of my journey did not start with a lot of pomp and circumstance. It did not even start with me deciding to begin walking on a regular basis. It started so that I could sleep.

The second day of walking did not start the journey either. But it was a lot closer than the first day. It was the day after the sleep study. And guess what I was right, I did not sleep much. And when I got home I did not sleep much either. I had the occasional ten minute nap, but nothing more than being wide awake with no energy from not getting any sleep. Then late in the afternoon, I decided that I wanted to walk again. I liked the positive feedback on FB that I got from the first walk and wanted to do it again. So I walked a second day. And I got more amazing feedback. It was lovely. For the first time in a LONG time, I was feeling really good about myself.

When this became a journey was the next week. First, I saw my friend Francesca who asked me to start writing down my thoughts. Second, was my friend Christy asking me if I had any goals and if she could help, that I was to let her know (again, that support from all areas of my life has been amazing). And third, when my counselor asked me to make visual goals. Visual goals are goals I saw myself doing instead of just goals that I wrote down to “hope” to accomplish. By those separate conversations, the three days of walking (yes, there was another day) became a journey. I shared it with the world and here I am now.

So why am I rehashing information that all of you already know? Well so many people have mentioned to me that they “wish they could walk” like I do. Whether it was family, or work, or other commitments, people seemed to imply to me that the walking that I did was an amazing feat (or feet…ha!). Let me be the first to tell you, it is not an amazing feat. It is just a man trying to get healthier. Trying to figure out what his life is going to be. I am no different than any of you. I just decided to walk. To paraphrase Forrest Gump, “I was walking.”

The only encouragement that I can give to all of you is to not make it a big deal. Do not make it where you have to give yourself a time commitment to get an exercise or walking plan together. Just get out there and do whatever activity you want. To quote the philosopher Nike, “Just do it”! The more of a big deal you make, the more likely you will not do it. Make your activity where it is not complicated, or hard or any kind of effort on your part. Don’t make the activity you choose a difficult one. A difficult activity usually means that I won’t do something. Same for you? My walk started so I could get tired. I decided to walk down the road near my house. Simple plan huh? Because it was simple, I did not talk myself out of it. I did not have to think about it. I did not stress about it. I just had to do it and I did it.

Try not to make what you want to do so impossible that you decide not to do anything. Your job is to figure out ONE thing and one thing only and just go out there and do it. You even get to decide on whatever that one thing is. Then do not overthink it and just do it. Then TELL people about it. You have family and friends that want to support you. They just do not know how. If you tell them that you walked today for 5 minutes, they will support you. Let all of your friends keep you energized and feeling good about yourself. And if you do not have a friend to help support you, please know I have your back, just like you have had mine. I will be there to support you. So let me ask you a question, what are you going to do today?

If I can do it, you can do it. Just walk and keep enjoying the journey.

Sincerely, Chris

Tell It to Me Tuesday (or Weds)- Chris's Journey #7

Day 7...so hard to write.

Entry 7: Peaks and Valleys, Highs and Lows, Missing Opportunities

I really do not want to write this journal entry. I really do not. I have been able to talk to you about all the wonderful things I have been doing. 20 days of walking, almost 35 miles walked, feeling more confident in myself. All really good peak stuff that I like to discuss and brag on myself about. Then there are weeks like the one I just had. The weekend was a very low valley that I am having trouble walking out of.

Peak (High): I killed Thanksgiving this year. I ate breakfast. I went to Thanksgiving lunch and only had a little bit of everything. I had a white plate and I could still see a ton of white on it. I went home and because I did not stuff myself, I was able to eat dinner at a regular time. Finally, I walked Day 20 doing a mile walk as fast as I could go. I got under 21 minutes, besting my personal record by a minute and a half. I was feeling good.

Valley (Low): I have not walked since Day 20. It has been the longest in between walks for me right now. Things are starting to snowball. I feel pressure on myself and I feel pressure from everyone reading this. You have not put the pressure on me; I am building the pressure up all on my own. I fear that I am disappointing you all. Because of that, I am struggling. Let me explain why.

In this process I am learning some things. One thing I have learned is that in order to have energy, you must use energy. If you rest and rest and rest your body, then your body goes in to an energy conserving mode. Once that happens it is hard to get your body moving again.

Friday, I did nothing. I sat around the house, I watched football. I told myself this was my rest day. I really did push myself on Thanksgiving. I enjoyed watching football and movies. It was a relaxing day.

On Saturday, I did nothing. I watched more football. I told myself I would walk on Sunday. As long as I got my walk in on the weekend, I was in the margin of error. But I began to notice something. It slowly became a struggle to do basic things. I was tired and needed to sit down. I just wanted to relax. It was like my body was drawing me to do nothing. The hard part was that I had NO plans this weekend. No plans to hang out with people. NONE. Most of my friends were out of town or had plans with their families. I also do not like to fish for plans. So, I continued to do nothing. Energy level kept going down and down.

Sunday, I did NOTHING. Again. More watching football. As the day got later and later, I kept telling myself I need to do it. I need to walk. I tried to get my shoes on but noticed how exhausted I was. It hurt to move. It hurt to walk. Body ached. I was able to see some friends for dinner, but that did not take much energy. They were the first people I saw since Thanksgiving. Besides that dinner, I did nothing else.

On Monday, co-workers asked how my thanksgiving was. I told them that it was slow, which was true. But as I write this, it is also humiliating. It is Tuesday, 5 days since I walked last and stuck on Day 20. Old Chris would be packing it in. “Well I cannot do it anymore, time to give up”. I am ashamed to write that. I told you I would be honest, but still it is so hard to admit. I am ashamed and angry with myself for not doing something that was so natural to me for 20 days. Now I made it a struggle again.

So here it is Tuesday, my normal walking day. And I am out of commission. My stomach has been giving me a fit since last night. I have had to stay close to a restroom. So, no walking today and that depresses me. But I am feeling better. Tired, but better. So I texted Francesca and made an appointment at 7:15 AM tomorrow to see her. By hook or by crook, Day 21 will be completed tomorrow. I am sure she and I will talk about this, just like my counselor and I discussed this yesterday. I need to have a contingency plan in place to fight the laziness…to fight the do nothing today thoughts. I need to figure out what to do to prevent a weekend like this from ever happening again.

In this journey there will be more valleys I am sure. Times when I struggle, and have a hard time getting back on track. But the important thing that I need to remember is to stay on the path. This is a journey, a journey with no ending. So I need to make sure I get use to the road that this journey is on. It is one I will be on for the rest of my life. And that needs to become my new reality.

See you tomorrow Day 21.

Sincerely, Chris