Chris Journey #44: I am a Ferrari! Or a Mercedes!

“Do you not know that your body is a tempe of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?” 1 Corinthians 6:19

“Honor God with your body” 1 Corinthians 6:20

“You treat your body like a temple. I treat mine like a tent.” – Jimmy Buffet, Fruitcakes

During service last Sunday, my pastor Jason Cullum gave an amazing sermon on why it is important for us to take care of our one body. Our bodies, our lives are the one of first gift God gives to us. Jason gave very good points on how we feel compelled to speak to someone if they are drinking too much, or even if we know someone is cheating on their spouses. However if we see someone constantly eating too much, we will not say anything to them. Now Jason was not meaning to pick on people who are overweight or obese, but he was saying that it is our responsibility to our brothers and sisters to discuss with them concerns when we are hurting our bodies.

Jason continued to give an excellent example on the differences between owning a Ferrari and owning a 1980 Mazda 626 (his first car). If we owned the Ferrari, we would do everything in our powers to take care of it. We would put a tarp on it, house it in a garage, and make sure that it was clean and tuned up and ready to perform. What about his Mazda 626? Well it had garbage in it, it was always dirty, and if a ding got on it, no big deal. So if God gave us a Ferrari body (well I was thing Porsche or Mercedes) then why are we treating our bodies like that 1980 Mazda 626? That point really hit home for me.

I put both verses that Jason used in the sermon at the beginning of the blog. I also put Jimmy Buffett’s verse from his song Fruitcakes. I put that verse up top because for the majority of my life I did treat my body as a tent. I did not care how I felt, how I looked, or how I was as long as I got the food inside me. I wish I could say that I did it because I loved the taste of food. That I ate nothing but the best foods. But it was neither! I did not like the taste of food. I did not eat the best foods. I ate mostly fast foods all day, every day. I ate all that I could so that I could feel full. So that I could be stuffed. That was the sensation I wanted. I wanted to be stuffed, all the time.

Because I decided not to treat my body like a temple, I sacrificed so much. I sacrificed God’s plan for me for the longest time. I sacrificed not working with teenagers (a passion of mine) for almost 10 years. I sacrificed energy to play with my nephews and Godsons. I sacrificed meaningful dating relationships. I sacrificed my self- esteem. All because I did not care about myself enough to treat myself as the Mercedes that God created me to be.

“Guilt just does not work” was the statement Jason finished the sermon with. Thankfully my friend Amanda loaned me her pen so I could write that quote down. “Guilt just does not work”. I could lament and feel guilty that I did not take care of myself for the longest time. I could heap guilt and more guilt on my conscious. But why? Why should I continue to hurt myself for my past mistakes? Haven’t I spent long enough hurting myself? I know I have. It is time to move on.

I feel like I dwell on my past way too much. Most of the time I believe that I have to keep paying the price for close to 40 years of mistakes. Why is that? Why do I feel the need to treat myself like that 1980 Mazda 626 and not like the Mercedes that God created me to be? God has a better opinion of me that I have of me. God loves me for who I am. Can’t I do just the same? Can’t I love me for me as I am now? The past is the past and it cannot be changed no matter how hard I try. And it is time to stop trying and just live my life. It is time to just be me. And that part is exciting.

My life is an unknown path now. I do not know where it will go from here on out. But I do know that I will not be the morbidly obese man I was a year ago, two years ago, or even ten years ago. I will be healthier, I will be stronger, I will be better. My body is no longer a tent or a 1980 Mazda 626. My body is under construction. My body will be a temple, a Mercedes soon enough. It will just take time and sweat to make it happen. I am super excited to see what I will be in a year from now, two years from now, and even ten years from now. No more guilt. Not more looking in the past.

I am a Ferrari. I am a Mercedes. I am worth it. Let’s see what is next. I cannot wait!

Sincerely, Chris

chris's Journey #43: Robin Williams

Like the rest of the world, I was shocked to hear about the passing away of Robin Williams last week. It was amazing the amount of sadness I had for someone that I had never met. Then the news that came out later that he killed himself due to several things going on in his life including depression. Hearing that depression was a part of, if not most of the reason for him taking his own life really hit home for me. It again shook me to my core for a personal reason.

Like millions and millions of people around the planet, I too suffer from depression. Up until the surgery I took anti-depression meds. I only got off them because with the surgery my stomach was no longer able to absorb the meds I was taking. Right now I am currently being monitored by my counselor to see if I need to go back on anti-depression medication. The determination has not been made yet, but I am super glad I have my counselor in my life that will help me take care of me better.

I bring all of this up for two reasons. First, is to tell you my story. When I was in junior high school I had thoughts of suicide on a regular basis. I was not the most popular kid in school. I was picked on about my weight on a regular basis and really just hated my life. Because of all that, I felt lonely and in pain for almost all of my junior high school days. Thankfully I never gave in to the sadness and confusion that I had. I never was able to create a plan. Also thankfully that my Mother did not believe in guns or anything. I did not have a viable option to hurt or kill myself. God was working in me even back then. Thankfully junior high became high school and there I met friends that genuinely loved and cared for me. Loneliness continues to come back in my life on a regular basis still, but the thoughts of ending my life have not. My life is not perfect, but it is my life and deserves to be lived out.

My depression now materializes in wanting to be by myself and feel unloved. During my dark periods now, I do feel unloved (even though I know that is not true) and making myself feel as alone as possible. I even have a sad song mix on my iPod so that I can use that music to get even more and more depressed. Usually it takes me hiding these feelings from my family and closest friends. It is amazing, but I rarely reach out for help. I wish I knew why. I usually keep the hurt and pain inside until one day something happens where I feel better or am distracted enough to get away from the feelings. I need to work on being stronger to reach out to people for help. The easy way out is to keep the feelings inside. The harder and healthier path is to reach out and tell someone and have them help you out. That is something I need to work on.

The second reason I tell you of my battle of depression is to let anyone who does suffer with depression know that you are not alone! There are plenty more of us out there that suffer from this disease. And it is a disease. It is in the medical disease diagnosis book known as ICD-9 (and ICD-10). Diagnosis code 311 in ICD-9 and F33 in ICD-10 (according to Google). You are not considered broken if you suffer from depression. You are not messed up if you get help with counseling and medications. You are normal and you are being healthy if you ask for help. Help is the smart thing to ask for. Ignoring it or trying to hide it is the opposite thing to do. It is hurtful and it is the painful approach. You will end up hurting yourself more and hurting your family and friends more by not asking for help. I beg you that if you are depressed and it is not going away, then to please, please, please ask for help. Talk to someone. Consider like I do and see a professional. Consider medications if that is something that a doctor recommends. Again, you are not broken! You are normal. And I am right there with you.

I hate that Robin Williams thought that the only way out he had was suicide. He was so loved by his family, friends, and (like me) fans around the world. But I can relate to his thoughts of pain and loneliness. I can relate to him feeling like his life was out of control. Thankfully, I did not take his path. Thankfully, I did not feel that out of control. Please do not feel that alone to take his path. Take your own healthier path and take care of yourself.

You are not alone.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey #42 : Status Update

You always have to sit back and be grateful for the steps you have already taken in any journey. I am happy to say that I will never have to begin this journey again. I will always be in the middle of this journey, but I am amazed at the progress that has been made already. Imagine the progress that I will make when 2014 is over with this year. I now look in to the future and see hope and excitement and not the dread I once did. I am excited to see where the next three months of my journey will take me.

Here are some of the things I have accomplished so far…

·         As of 8/4/2014 I have lost 93 pounds and 15.5 inches since January 16, 2014.

·         I have decreased my walking a mile from 24 minutes when I started in October 2013 to 18 minutes last week.

·         I have gone down from a size 6 XLT shirt to a 4 XL shirt.

·         I am able to wear my pants the way pants are supposed to be worn (around the belly button).

·         I no longer get exhausted walking up a flight or two of stairs.

·         I no longer get tired getting dressed.

·         A few Saturdays ago I almost walked 3 miles and I swam for 35 minutes on the same day…without getting tired.

·         I had my three month checkup last week and all my bloodwork came back in good shape. Dr. Rao was very happy with my progress.

·         I have not drank a soda in over 3 months.

·         I attend fitness classes on a regular basis now.

·         I can fit in the seats at Everbank Field and at the Jacksonville Baseball Park. I am planning on seeing a Gator game by the end of the year.

·         My doctor has taken me off two out of three medications.

·         I am happy and feeling less stress.

·         I am completely grateful that I had the surgery now.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey #41: Albatross

As we get deeper in to this journey of mine, I begin to doubt myself and if I can finish it. I have a daily doubt that stays in my head that I will not be able to finish, and I am ultimately a failure. I keep waiting for the first hiccup and how I will actually handle it. You know that first week that I gain weight and that week ultimately then becomes a second or a third. I am afraid that I will not be able to take it and I will fully revert back to the pre-surgery Chris. And this journey that we have taken together will have been for naught and I will go back to my unhealthy self. I feel I will ultimately destroy myself and all the hard work that I have done. That doubt is a nagging albatross hanging around my neck and I am unable to get rid of it.

I had lunch with a friend of mine last week and ordered fries with my lunch. Now I did not eat many of the fries, but my friend (as good friends do) called me on it. He was questioning my decision as to why I decided to order fries with my lunch and not another choice. Especially since I had just talked about my food issues last week in the blog and my friend wondered why I choose such an unhealthy option. I told him that I was not eating much of them and not to worry about it. But it stuck in my head. Why did I choose that? There were many more options that I could have chosen. I did not eat much of the fries, but it was still not the best choice and I did still eat them. What happens to me when I am all the way healed and my stomach can and will grow again? I fear I am still the same man I was, but with a very expensive way of preventing me to eat a lot. When it comes to food, even though I know I am doing leaps and bounds better than I did a year ago, there is still a lot of doubt. The doubt continues to still be here, no matter how badly I want it to leave.

My lack of confidence is not just with my food, it is also with my workout regimen. Francesca will tell or show me an exercise that I have never done and I begin to doubt almost immediately. Can I do that? Am I healthy enough to do that? Is it smart for a man my size to do something so difficult? What if I embarrass myself in front of her and the others in the gym? The thing is my doctor has given me full clearance to workout. My cardiologist has told me that I can do anything I am able to. They have looked me in the face and told me I am healthy enough to work hard. My confidence is just not there. Doubt is there.

I will say that some of the doubt does go away, once I am able to accomplish something. Once I do the activity, I then am able to show myself that I was not too heavy, or too big, I was able to do it. But trying to get over that fear to try something new is very difficult. The old Marine quote is “pain is fear leaving the body”. My statement right after that is, “well, I must have a lot of fear”. And I do have a lot of fear! I fear pain just as much as anything else. Pain after a long walk, or a hard workout, or if I step wrong, Pain to me is scary and that fear of pain helps me lose confidence in myself.

Will I continue to make the same bad decisions and hurt myself? Will I go back to 450 pound Chris? Will I gain all this weight back again? Am I fraud? Will I not be the inspiration that everyone says I am? My confidence in myself seems to continue to stay low as I keep getting further with this. I was hoping it would go away, but it has not. That is the doubt that hurts the most, and that is the doubt that is the scariest to me. The doubt that I will let all of you that call me “inspiration” or “inspiring” down is the worst. Not because I am letting you down, but because I am more concerned about LETTING you all down THAN letting me down. The one thing I work hard on every day is that I need to come first in this process and everything else has to come second. I have my good days and my bad days, but I cannot focus on letting others down, because that loses focus on the most important thing on this journey. Me.

I do not have an answer for this topic. I do not have a hint or a tip to help you tackle doubt and a lack of self-confidence. I really wish I did, that way I would have it too. All I can say is that I fight every day on it, and I have my good days and my bad days. I hope that as I get farther in this journey it will get easier. It has not yet, but maybe it will. One day. And that one day might just be my best day.

Sincerely, Chris