Chris's Journey # 22: The Adult Version of Chutes and Ladders

First off, special thanks to Plain Vanilla for giving me a Spring Break week off last week. I needed a week to recharge and figure out the next stage in my journey. So now I am back and hopefully better than ever.

Lately in my journey it seems that I am in a game of Chutes and Ladders with myself. I have these incredible highs where I am loving myself more and appreciate the work I am putting in to it and grateful for all the support that I am getting. Then I have these incredible lows of falling and feeling like I am not doing enough, that I do not deserve the admiration I am getting and should not be praised for what I am doing because I still have so far to go. Last week was one of those weeks.

I suffer from depression. I take meds for it every day and it is not something that I let stop me…until I let it stop me. I can be my best friend and worst enemy. Sometimes I feel the depression coming on and I do everything in my power to fight it back. Then there is last week where I hugged that depression like an old friend and did not let it go. My depression when I do embrace it, affects everything I am and everything I do. Not many people will ever notice that I am going through it. I have gotten darn good at wearing the “everything is good” mask and keeping that deep sadness to myself. I am not sure that the people who interact with me on a regular basis even noticed it. But last week was a tough damn week.

Everything just came in to my head last week. That I am a failure. I am not losing weight fast enough. I am a fraud. I am pulling off the greatest acting job by having people think that I am working hard and taking care of myself. I am alone. I do not deserve to be loved by my friends or by someone special. These were all the thoughts that were running through my head last week, that had me slide lower and lower and lower. The more I hated being in that position, the more I embraced it because I felt like I deserved to be there.

Then Friday, something different happened. A new ladder appeared. This ladder was in the form of my friend Michelle. Michelle is not a friend I see too often, just occasionally in the halls at work. But Michelle and I agreed to walk at lunch last Friday. And that is exactly what we did. We walked and we talked. For some reason I felt comfortable enough to tell her my hidden sadness. She understood. She related. She did not judge or try to tell me how to become not sad. She did what a good friend does, she listened and she affirmed me. I am not sure why I felt like I could trust her with admitting my sadness, but I am glad I did. I left the walk with her slowly climbing back up the ladder in my journey.

With all that sliding down chutes last week there were some really cool NSV (see last blog) highs that happened:

• On Friday’s walk I walked my 100th mile. (And I will walk 100 more…) This was an amazing thing that I really should marvel at more. 100 miles?? That still is crazy to me that I have walked that much in the last six months. And to think the next 100 miles will be even faster than that. • I walked my 4th official 5K on Saturday. And the 5K (3.1 miles) was more like 4 miles. By the time it was all said and done I had walked the furthest I had ever walked, almost 4 miles. I crossed a major threshold in my walking. After the walk was over I was sore and in a bit of pain, but I recovered nicely. By Sunday I was feeling great and had no issues. • I am proud to say that I had two friends do some significant walking last week. One friend walked three miles each day for 8 days straight. The other walked at least two miles a day for a week. I am so proud of them. If starting to walk inspired them at all to start that, then I am glad I started. • I bought a 3X shirt last week, and hung it up where I can see it every day. I want to wear that shirt soon (it is an awesome nerd shirt) and I want to see, so it will motivate me.

The thing about journeys is that at times you get lost. When you lose your way and you have to find someone to help get you on the right path again. People want to help. Friends want to help. Family wants to help. They just need to know that you are hurting and need help. It is our job as being a part of the journey to not only ask for help, but to take it and accept it for what it is. Love.

Sincerely, Chris

Frozen Delights!

I always have a sweet tooth, and these worked out great for me! I called them frozen yogurt strawberry honey treats. Yes, I just named all the ingredients!

4 sliced strawberries
1 cup of plain or vanilla yogurt
2 teaspoons of honey ( optional)
Mix and freeze!!

Chris's Journey #21: Non Scale Victories

Entry 21: Non Scale Victories

One of the things I have done lately is become a part of weight loss support groups on Facebook and online. I looked in to support groups to get tips and encouragement from others that have gone through similar issues as me. This is something that I have not had in previous attempts to lose weight. 24/7 support courtesy of Facebook or other web sites that are out there, have been a huge help. It is nice to see people that are struggling just like I am. It has been refreshing to see others put on armor and battle their addictions just like I am.

One of the things I have learned is that addictions want you to be lonely. Lonely allows you to embrace the addiction harder and eventually the addiction is the only thing you have. That was so true for me in the past five years or so. I held on to this addiction like a mother holds her newborn. That addiction made me accept my loneliness and helped me to close my ears when others would try to talk to me about my addiction. One of the biggest blessings I have had was a few friends that would not quit on me. Whether it was support in physical form or spiritual form through prayer, they would not allow me to completely go to the dark side. I cannot thank them enough. Well yes I can. I can thank them by continuing to fight and beat this addiction back.

Let’s go back to the web site weight loss support groups that I was talking about earlier. On these websites you see some crazy terms, that you do not get right away. It took me some time to finally understand those terms. Here are a few of the terms that have come up most:

• HW: Heaviest Weight • CW: Current Weight • WL: Weight Loss • NSV: Non Scale Victory

The Non Scale Victory fascinated me the most. This was about weight loss right? Isn’t the scale the Holy Grail? The one thing you have to face and show you victories and defeats? The answer is not just no, but “HELL NO”! Victories are sweet when they are on the scale. Losing 5 pounds in a week is an amazing high. But as I continue to walk this journey, I am learning that the scale is not the end all be all. There are NSVs out there for morbidly obese people like myself to achieve and conquer. Here are a few of mine.

• I have not just done one 5K, I have now done two! I finished my second 5K this past Saturday. I felt good and recovered quicker this time than I did the last one. That is a NSV!

• I have now incorporated resistance training and weights in to my work out. I am no longer just walking. I am testing myself and working harder to improve my body. The weight workouts will help improve and give me the muscle my body so needs. Francesca and I have come up with a routine that will challenge me and make me work. For my birthday my friend Lauren gave a 10 pound medicine ball that will be so much help. Weight working out is a NSV!

• My pants are SUPER loose. I am constantly pulling them up. It is a tough thing, but looser pants are a huge NSV!

• I am eating far less food now than I did a month ago, and a month before that. I am more conscious of the food that is going in to my mouth. I am working hard to eat better. I have the fruits down. I am still struggling with vegetables. But I am working on it. A food NSV!

• I have a better outlook on life and on myself than I have ever had. I have learned to see what everyone kept trying to tell me about me. I am a good man. I am a good friend. I have a good heart. I am able to be loved, and there is a woman out there that I am good for. Love for me is a NSV!

I am sure there are a lot more NSV that I am not thinking about. There are a few more that are coming up that I am purposely not mentioning (I do have to have more material to write about). You will see those NSV in the next few weeks.

So think about the NSVs that are in your life. I know you have plenty. Recognize them and be PROUD OF them. The scale is a tool to show you your weight, but is not the God of your life. It is only a scale. Scales are where fish are weighed. Scales are for oil and gas to be weighed. Scales are for people to be weighed too, but that does not define who you are. Fight to show that scale where it belongs. It belongs on the floor and not in your head or heart all the time. When you get frustrated at what your scale says, remember all those Non Scale Victories that will outnumber the number you see on that scale. Those should be the primary victories you can be proud of and not the number that you see comes up.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey #20 40th Birthday Blog Entry

Entry 20: Forty Trips Around the Sun

I am writing this with 30 minutes until my fortieth birthday. Forty years on this planet. Forty years of watching movies, talking with loved ones, and forty years of living. Problem was that I can say I wasted most of the first forty years of my life, not living life to the fullest. Ignoring my health has really put me in the position that I have been fighting for the past 5 months.

I decided to take this entry, my twentieth one to talk about what I have learned in my first 40 years.

1. Ignoring something until the next day or until “circumstances change” does not work. The more you put off working on your health (weight, smoking, excessive anything) is one day more you put off your life from beginning in earnest. You have to start right away and build as much momentum as you can. The more momentum you build the easier it will be to get back on track when you fall.

2. It is never too late to get back up again. The person that wins the race is the one that keeps getting back up. The history of this planet is filled with people who were denied and kicked and beaten by others or by life and still got up. Getting up and not giving up is something that we all have inside us. We usual mask that ‘do not quit’ mentality with our own addictions. We have to tear that mask off! The addiction is not worth the effort to mask it and have it guide us. That addiction will only bring us down.

3. Get on board or get out of the way. This is a new thought that has come in to my head lately. I was talking to a new friend who is working hard on her weight and she told me she has no support system. I told her that doing it on her own was some serious strength. She shrugged off my statement and said, “I am doing this (weight loss) because it NEEDS to be done”. I am blessed to have a LOT of support. But I am also at the mentality that if someone is not able to support me, then they need to get out of my way. I have work to do.

4. Dignity Be Damned. This was the first thing I learned. I do not look attractive walking or working out. I have fat pouring out of me and clothes shoved in places where clothes should not be. You have to forget all that. The taking care of you has nothing to do with how you look while you are working out. You have to focus on you! Anytime your voices tell you how bad you look, you look back and yell, “DIGNITY BE DAMNED”. You are not doing it for them (family, friends, co-workers, complete strangers), you are doing it for you. Let me say one last time, you are doing this for YOURSELF. Work hard for you in whatever clothes or look you want. The important part is to ignore the world that tears you down and look up at God and inside yourself and know that you are doing this for you!

5. You have to LOVE yourself. You just have to. You cannot continue to put people ahead of you and not take care of yourself first. By making taking care of yourself a top priority, you will enable yourself to be strong enough for others in your life. Imagine driving to a friend that needs you badly. On the way over you get a flat tire. If you keep driving, you will hurt your car and eventually you will be stuck. You take care of the tire; you can get to help your friend quicker. By helping yourself and making yourself first you can make yourself readily available to be there for someone and focus solely on them. By not taking care of yourself, you will not be able to give your full attention to someone as you will be dealing with your stuff and their stuff too. God first, then you, then others.

6. It is OK to take compliments and encouragement from others. You are not being selfish or narcissistic to accepting a compliment from someone. You are enjoying what another person thinks of you. It is a form of love (philos) to accept compliments and encouragement. Accept them and relish them. Appreciate and celebrate any and all accomplishments.

7. Exercise is not just needed, it is vital. Hate it, despise it, even loathe it, but know that you have to move every day. If you do not move, then your body will stop moving. Exercising can be used to relax, stretch, feel positive about you and even to socialize. Amazing people would not mind exercising with you. They just do not know you want to. Go, and ask them.

8. The buck has to STOP with you. You can blame others all you want for the issues you have. But the thing is that the more time you blame others, the less time you have fixing your situation. I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with my brain that I overeat as much as I do. I have determined that it does not matter. Does addiction run in my family? Yes it does. But addiction runs in most people’s families. The best thing to do is to realize your past is in the past and the only thing you can change is the present and future. We are all responsible for our own actions. The sooner you make that important decision, the sooner you will be able to work on becoming the best you possible.

9. Finally, God is not out to get you. He is not trying to make your life miserable. God is not a stop sign. God is the glorious green light. He is trying to tell you to “Go, go, go”, but the problem is we are too busy looking at others or at our past to see the green light and move on. God wants you to succeed and then look back at this monster and see that you were able to conquer. Remember God wants to give us His best, but we need to have our ears and hearts open to accept that best from Him. It may not come the way that we hoped it would, but by accepting that God is in control will allow you to enjoy the ride we call life. It is our job to listen and to accept.

I am sure that I have learned plenty more, but it is two minutes to my birthday and I want to see the clock strike midnight and then go to bed to take care of myself. After all I am working hard to become a happy, healthy forty year old. And that is all I can ask for.

Sincerely, Chris