Chris's Journey: #19: Looking Forward Not Behind

Entry 19: Looking Forward Not Behind

“Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.” – Unknown

Sometimes one of the best things about Facebook is the random items that just pop up. The comment listed above is what someone posted to show what they are going to have tattooed on their side. The statement itself just slapped me in the face. The thought of backsliding and falling back on OLD habits is always in my head. That just one bad day could make me spiral out of control to the person I was prior to October 2013. It makes me shake my head in concern and also to why am I even thinking that.

Pre October 2013 Chris was a good man and a good friend to everyone he knew. He worked hard to have everyone like him and be there for everyone no matter what the cost was. It came at a hard price. The price was himself. Taking care of the people around him better than he was taking care of himself. Giving everyone steak while giving him metaphoric dog food. Everyone in pre October 2013 Chris’ head was ALWAYS better than he was. He was of no importance. Everyone else was important. He had to make sure that he worked hard to show it to people so that they would not look at how poorly Chris treated Chris. Pre October 2013 Chris was insignificant to a very important person in his life, himself.

Post October 2013 Chris is learning every day to see in himself what everyone else sees in him. This Chris has to work hard every day to acknowledge he is worth it to himself. Worth the love, worth the respect, and worth the attention. Not apologizing for just being around and offending people with his size. Post October Chris is learning not to take crap from people. If you are not on board to helping Chris take care of himself and better himself, then he does not have time for you. I know that sounds harsh, but that is what HAS to happen. Post October Chris likes this man he is becoming. And he cannot wait to see what becomes of him.

OK enough of this third person writing…it is starting to hurt.

The bottom line for me is this. I cannot look back. I can only look forward. I can't obsess about a setback. I have already come so far. I can no longer live in black and white. Gray is so much better. It has better feelings and does not show that I am a failure. Gray shows that it is a work in progress. A doctor today told me, when you lose 100 pounds, do not be upset if you gain ten back. Reevaluate what you are doing, but realize that you have still lost 90 pounds! I am not near 100 or 90 pound loss yet, but the statement rings true. In the mist of what feels like failure, celebrate the success and use that to get back on track.

Looking back will make you turn your back on your future. Looking forward will have you turn your back on your past and looking forward to all the amazing things yet to accomplish. Last week, I walked a 5K. But that is last week. I am now looking forward to March 8th, where I will walk my next 5K. On March 4th I celebrate my 40th birthday. On March 4th, I look forward to celebrating 40 more.

I cannot wait to see what the Chris of October 2014 looks like. I know one thing, he will still be grinding and fighting, but more he will be looking forward to what is next and not wondering what could have been.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey: #18- 5K COMPLETED! Check out the photos!

Entry 18: 5K

This is my entry to my Facebook account from February 15, 2014: It has been 101 days since my first walk. Today was my 46th walk. I have averaged 1.73 miles per walk. I average walking every 2.19 days (need to improve, but considering where I was, wow). In the 46 walks I have covered 79.86 miles or over three marathons. This year I have walked 28.38 miles with my first 2014 marathon being achieved today. Today was my first organized 5K where I walked it in 1 hour 15 minutes. Now most people ask about pounds lost...I have lost 19 pounds so far and am now actively changing my eating habits. The pounds to me do not matter. The fact that every time I walk my body hurts a little less does.

Thank you all for the love and support I have and continue to feel. Bigger and better things are in store for me as I enter in my 40th year. JUST BRING IT!

Now on to this week’s entry…

It is amazing how quickly time goes by. It was the end of October that I sat down and came up with some visual goals on things I wanted to accomplish by walking. One of the items on the list was to walk the March for Babies 5K in May 2014. I see friends of mine have picture of the runs that they do and they look amazing. Those runs also looked and felt out of reach to me. Someone my size could never do something like that. So I wanted to prove myself wrong. I wanted to show myself that if I work at it, I can accomplish anything. So I wrote down a goal that was far enough away that I felt maybe I could do it. Maybe.

In December after walking almost 2 months, Francesca came up to me and said we should do a 5K. I reminded her of my goal and she said no, we need to do one sooner. We talked about doing the Color Run when it came around in September of 2014, and she said that another run similar to that was coming up in February. “We should do it” she said. “I will walk with you and we can accomplish this together”. This is where the lines of trainer and dear friend get blurred (thank God). I told her I would think about it, which usually means, “I won’t do it, but hopefully you will forget you asked”. But she didn’t. It would pop up in conversation again and again and I finally said yes.

Then an amazing thing happened. I told my friend Melissa that I agreed to do this 5K and she said, “Great, tell me the date and Andy (her husband) and I will be there for it”. Melissa a while ago told me when I did my first 5K that she wanted to be there. But Melissa lives in another city and has three kids, and works full time, and has her own things. There was no way she would be able to come to this. But I told her the date and she said she would be there. Even after I changed the walk venue from the Run or Dye 5K to the River Day Run 8K and 5K she never blinked. “I will be there” she told me, and never doubt Melissa. She is that awesome that she will do it.

In the weeks that led up to February 15th other amazing things would happen. My friend Lauren told me her family would be joining me. My buddy Waco who started to walk a month after I did decided to make this his first 5K also. My friend Steve said he would come in from Tallahassee to cheer me on. My fitness partner in crime (and friend) Karen said that she would be there for me at the end of the walk to congratulate me. I got emails and messages from so many people telling me that they are with me and would support me. I never doubted it, but I did not feel the impact. Not until today (I am writing this entry the day of my first 5K).

Melissa and Andy stayed with me on Friday night and we woke up early to head over to the 5K. When we got to the venue we found the registration table and Melissa and I went to get our packets. Melissa found my name and found out I was number 147. I looked at the number on the bib (yes they call it a bib) and I was speechless for the first time today (more times to come). I had a number. For a 5K. I had a number for a 5K! I was going to do this. I was nervous about not being able to finish, but I should have known that my friends would have my back. Melissa pinned my bib on my shirt and I was ready to go.

The rest of my friends showed up and I did my best to introduce everyone. Francesca and I talked and we decided that she would run the 5K and then come back and find me. She is training for a 15K and it only makes sense that she uses this to practice. And I had Melissa and Andy (and baby Charlee) and Lauren and Waco and Waco’s son Bryn with me. Needless to say that I had a support system. We got to the starting point and Melissa took pictures of everything. She wanted me to remember this day. I know I always will.

The cannon (literally a cannon) shot off and the 5K began. I had already been standing an hour before the run began and because of not resting before walking, my knees began to bother me immediately. Every step was painful, but I was not about to let my friends and support system down. To begin with every step was agony, but I kept on a smiling face only complaining a little. My friends were amazing talking to me, making me think of anything else but walking. And we kept moving along. I am sure each of them could have gone a lot faster, but they decided to stay with me. Encouraging me and loving me all the way. We got to the first mile, then the second mile. During the run friends who were running he 8K and 5K ran passed me (on the way back) and shouted encouragement or high fived me. My Godson Jacob gave me a big smile and thumbs up as he ran passed me. It felt so good.

Right around the second mile, Francesca (who had finished her run already) caught up with me. She joined me and Waco (we had fallen back a bit) and began to check on me. How was I feeling, had I had enough water, stuff like that. She and Waco made me laugh and we kept going on even though my knees were screaming at me. Francesca kept telling me only a little more. At that point in time, I did not believe her.

About a quarter of a mile until completion Karen found us and walked with us. She was encouraging and supporting as she has always been when she and I started on this weight loss mission. Melissa waited for me and we finished the walk, with her taking some amazing pictures of me getting to the finish line. Everyone telling me it is only a little further. I finally began to believe. I was going to finish this. I am going to finish this.

The finish line was surreal. I finally crossed at 1 hour and 15 minutes with Melissa and Steve (he had been waiting for me at the finish line) taking pictures of me finishing. I raised my hands in victory as I crossed the line. I breathed heavy taking it all in. I did it. I finished my first 5K.

High fives and hugs were all around. This amazing set of friends did this for me and did this with me. The support still overwhelms me and makes me smile. After the 5K was done for me, I was in a lot of pain, having a hard time walking, stepping, and even using the rest room. But with my friends help I did it. I finished my first official 5K. Still so hard to believe.

I cannot thank everyone who came out today enough for doing this with me. Melissa text me later that day saying there is nowhere else she would rather be. That part does not surprise me. She is my friend. She of course would do this for me. Lauren even said I was hero. I am not sure about that, but if someone is encouraged by this, awesome. Waco and I text each other pumped up that we finished this challenge of ours! To state the obvious, today was a good day.

I am not sure when my next 5K will be, but it will be soon. I may not have quite the turn out at the next one, but I will always have those amazing people in my head knowing that where ever they are, they are cheering me on.

I am a completely blessed man. I am a completely loved man. What a great Valentine’s Day gift.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey #17: I AM WORTHY

Entry 17: Hey Wayne and Garth, I am Worthy, I am Worthy! In the 4 months or so that I started this walking journey, it has been amazing how many people have been saying the nicest things to me. At first I was embarrassed or even saying that I do not deserve the accolades that were being given. I was quite stubborn about accepting praise that I felt that I did not deserve. The reason I felt that way was I knew in my head that any day the walking would stop, and I would be told nice things that were not true. I was afraid (yes fear again) of letting everyone down. Funny part is that I was never afraid of letting me down. Why was that? Why did it never cross my thought process that the biggest person I would be letting down if I stopped walking was me? The reason I was never afraid of letting myself down was an easy one. I valued everyone over me, and I gave myself little to no value. Here it is my life, my body, my emotions and I never gave myself any kind of value of being worthy. It is strange, because I cannot tell you how many people I have told that they are worth it. Tell someone that they were worth the wait, worth the work, worth the love. I never told myself I was worthy. Never, not once did that thought even cross my mind. God give us all worth, and I never accepted for myself. This is very humbling and very hard to swallow. Here I am doing all this work and I was doing it for everyone but me. It is very hard to say those words, but they are the truth. I am not sure when things began to change. I am not saying I give myself worth all the time now. I wish I was, but it is far from it. But it is better than a year ago. Heck, it is better than six months ago. I am not sure what walk or what workout or what conversation I had that made the change begin. But it has happened in the past few months and the walking and the support and the love is helping me see my worthiness. I wish I could say it was 100 percent of the time, but it is not. The fight for 100% self-worthiness gives me something to continue to strive for. I know everyone in my life sees my worthiness. When people would tell me, I would laugh or deflect the statement. I dishonored them and their kind words when I shook that confirmation of worthiness off.. Oh the stupidity of foolish men. I will not apologize (like I normally would) for not accepting your words, but I will say that I will work hard to accept it now. I am worthy and I will keep walking for me. Me alone. That is how it has to be. I will take the cheerleaders, but I have to be the one I do all of this for. I have to work hard to believe that and to live that every day. I am worthy and by walking and lifting weights and supportive friends and family, I will finally, finally see the worthy me every day. One last note, I am participating in my first 5K on Saturday (2/15). I am excited and nervous. I am accomplishing one of my visual goals 3 months sooner than I thought. I cannot wait to share all of that with you next week. And when I walk this 5K on Saturday with friends and everyone else, I will be walking for one person that day. Me, Chris Hollister. And why am I doing this 5K for me?? Because I am worthy of the attention I am giving to myself, and I am worth of all the hard work that I am putting in. And I will not let myself down. Sincerely, Chris

Smoothie Saturday

Smoothie Saturday

1/4 cup of Romaine

1/2 cup Almond Milk

1/4 cup blueberries

1/2 of a banana

2 TBS Milled Flax Seed

1 tps honey (optional)

Chris's Journey- Entry 16: Fear is the Path to the Dark Side

Entry 16: Fear is the Path to the Dark Side

Source Material: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkFRwhJEOos

It has been interesting the past few months of my journey, as the topic of fear as come up constantly. I discussed it in entries one and six, and a lot of the underlying premises of all my entries are in fact fear. Fear of failure, fear of letting people down. Fear of staying this way forever. Fear is almost like a natural emotion to me. Sadly, I am not sure what my life with no fear would be like.

A few weeks ago, my former counselor Michelle sent me a YouTube link to a video that was done for of the TED talks. The speaker’s name was Jonathan Fields and his topic was in fact fear. Now the first five minutes or so of the talk, I really did not know where he was going with it. It seemed to just kind of ramble with not much direction. About a quarter or so in to it, I started to understand what he was getting at. His three points that he discussed at the end are still in my head.

• What if I fail and recover? • What if I do not try? • What if I succeed?

When Mr. Fields, discussed those three topics I felt like I need to address them to myself. I also felt like I need to write an entry about it to see if anyone can relate. So let’s go one by one.

What if I fail and recover?

Failure has been common for me in my life when it comes to weight loss. I have had very few successes with it. I have failed more times than I can count and leave the situation more and more frustrated and angry at myself. So I am use to the failure part. But I never considered the recovery part. Recovery sometimes is not what we want it to be. Sometimes recovery is just getting through a difficult situation and learning from it. If I only thought of the recovery portion of failure when I failed at those weight loss journey attempts over the years. If I only learned from my mistakes, and if I only accepted failure as being a temporary setback? Where would I be right now in my life, in my weight loss journey, and in my mental well-being? I believe a lot farther than I am right now. But right now with this journal and with the support I am getting and with learning to fight for myself (finally) I am going to try and try again. And if I fail, I need to get back up again. Everyone falls, not everyone gets back up. I want to be one of the ones that get back up.

What if I do not try?

This is an interesting one to think about. The easy answer is that if I do not try, I stay in the exact same place I am at now. A limbo of going through life morbidly obese and alone. Not really having a true place in this world. The other side of the coin is that by not trying there is always what if. The unknown can be scary, but in this case it is amazing. Thinking about what could be also means that I have not exhausted every avenue. I have hope in the periods of not trying. Thankfully rationale kicks back in and I realize that I need to fight more. I deserve to be happy and healthy and there is only one way to do it: hard work.

What if I Succeed?

This is the wild card. What if I can actually succeed? What if I can actually take on and beat this Goliath of a task? To be able to go to concerts again. To run around with my nephews. To sit on the floor with my God daughter. To rough house with my God sons. To have nothing hold me back. I can close my eyes and see all that. It is a glorious sight. To succeed means the possibility of achieving my dreams. And those dreams are magical. And the dreams are realistic if I keep working hard. I am closer and closer to succeeding every day. These ideas, these dreams of success cannot be dreams any longer. They have to be reality now.

Chris’ Thoughts on Fear

Fear is like quicksand. It drags you further and further down. You sink and sink and sink until you are stuck. Once you are stuck it takes hard work to get out of it. It takes hard work to keep walking. It takes hard work to choose to eat this thing and not that thing. It is hard work to say yes to you after saying no to you for so long. Fear has controlled my life for as long as I can remember. In October 2013 I started to begin a war with fear. Every time I walk it is another battle won. And I will win the war. I never thought I could before, but after 4 months of walking, over 16 pounds lost and constant support of my friends and family, I now know I can.

Finally, fear is not of God. God does not want us to fear, He wants us to be fearless. “I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me”- Philippians 4:13. I forgot this quote in this journey and it is now time to use it. I use to blame God a lot for being heavy and unhealthy. At times I even try to blame him again. But the more and more work I on myself, the more I know that to succeed in anything you have to accept the blame in what you did. I brought this on myself. I have not done the work. God, my environment, my family, and any surgical procedures in the past that I have had, did not do this to me. I did this to me. I allowed myself to be swallowed in fear and doubt. “Fear is the path to the dark side” Yoda said, but I can hear God’s voice in those words to me. If I continue to allow fear to ravage my life, then I will always be where I am right now. Morbidly obese, unhappy with the man that I am, unable to achieve goals I want to achieve, and probably soon dead. But, I am not dead yet, and I can do ALL THINGS (not some things or a few things), but ALL THINGS in Christ who strengthens me. Bring it on fear.

Bring it on fear, my friends, my family, and my God are ready to fight you for me. But more importantly, I am ready to fight you for me. BRING IT ON!

Sincerely, Chris