Chris's Journey # 11

Entry # 11: 2014: A New Hope

I was dreading New Year’s Eve this year. But to be honest, I dread New Year’s Eve (NYE) almost every year. Except for a select few NYEs I have never been a fan because of that stroke of midnight. The stroke of midnight where one year becomes the next and for me, no chance has happened. No kiss at midnight which I have never had. No looking at the new year with promise and hope. Just a dread that nothing had changed that year and nothing will change the next one. Even with all the amazing things that have happened over the past few months, earlier today on NYE I was beginning to feel the same way. I was feeling down about doing nothing again tonight.  As I was about to leave work and walk to my car, a funny thing happened. God stepped in, and in the form of two old friends and their kids.

I was saying good night to a co-worker when a felt a buzz in my pocket. My co-worker even said, “Hey, isn’t that your phone?” I recognized that it was and answered it. The caller on the other end was my college roommate Eric. He and his wife (the amazing Laura) and their two kids wanted me to come over for a movie night tonight on their front lawn. Without thinking (thank God) I immediately said yes. After another phone call, dinner was promised and I headed over. 

The night was amazing. The movie was hilarious (Despicable Me 2), the dinner was delicious, and the company was what made the night. I got hugs. I got affirmations of me as a friend and as a person. I got what I needed. Time with people…and not just ordinary people, but some of my favorite people. After the movie was over and clean-up was done, I headed home with love in my heart and a new outlook on the New Year.

As I was driving home, I had a big smile on my face. I thought about 2014, my 40^th year on this planet. 2014 WILL be a different year. 2014 will be looked at by me as a year that I got closer to getting healthy. 2014 will be looked at as a year that I finally learned the value that I have a person, friend, child of God, and man. My 40^th year is going to be so amazing. It will be productive, and it will be fruitful. I will continue my walking journey. I will learn to eat better. I will take care of myself. I will continue to learn to love myself and all the quirks and faults that make me, me. 

A month ago I create a list of visual goals. Goals that I saw myself accomplishing in the future. My counselor told me to create the goals, but to create them in a way where I see myself accomplishing them. I listed those goals on my Facebook page. Those of you who did not see that list, here it is:

Goals: Image Goals…Where I See Myself (with a few additions)

·         Walk my first 5K. The Color Run…February 15, 2014!

·         Able to walk unafraid of not finishing at the 2014 March for Babies 5K. (May 2014)

·         Thinking and feeling that I am good enough for that woman to ask her out, and know if she says no, it is not because I am fat and not worthy.

·         Go in to Old Navy and buy a shirt.

·         Go to any store I want to and buy clothes in it, instead of being able to go to only one store.

·         Finish the Gate River Run 15K (long term visual goal).

·         Buy a suit and feel confident that I look good in it and not “fat man in a tiny coat”.

·         Eating properly at almost every meal with the occasional splurge and not splurge at every meal with the occasional eating properly.

·         Not feeling shameful over my weight ever again.

·         Celebrate with friends (not food) every 25 days of walking. (I already did this one once!)

·         Celebrate at every marathon I walk during this journey (every time I walk more than 26.2 miles) (I already did this once!).

·         Be able to get down on one knee to propose to the woman of my dreams.

·         Run around with my nephews.

·         Look in the mirror with confidence.

·         Disney World and Universal Studios, and be able to ride on the rides.

·         Sit in a booth table comfortably.

·         Love myself.

Now this list is every evolving. It will continue to grow. I will accomplish some in 2014. I will eventually accomplish all of it. 2013 was the beginning. 2014 will be even better.

Before I finish up, let me list some accomplishments of 2013.

1.       I started walking on a regular basis. I have walked 30 days and over 50 miles.

2.       I have seen a counselor for a year straight and we are actively working my issues.

3.       I am slowly learning how to eat better.

4.       I love the person I am more and more.

5.       The hatred I felt for myself is getting less and less.

6.       In order to take care of myself better I have bought the following: running shoes, running socks, exercise bands, and exercise shorts and hats. Before this year, I had never bought anything for specifically taking care of myself.

7.       I have written 11 weeks of blogs on my health (mentally, physically, and emotionally).

8.       I am being honest with everyone in my life.

9.       I am being honest with myself.

Nine accomplishments for 2013! Not bad at all. 2014 there will be more. I really cannot wait to accomplish them, and to share it with you.

Happy New Year!

Sincerely,

Chris

Chris's Journey- #10

Entry 10: Motivations Comes in All Shapes & Sizes (The Story of Day 28)

The story of day 28 begins a little over ten years ago. Ten years ago last August I got a call from my best friend’s husband telling me that their baby is coming early, and that it should be anytime now. I was shocked. This was August and the baby was supposed to be born in November. Two and a half months early? I was scared. I was scared for my friend whom I consider family and her unborn son that was so excited for the world that he decided to come out sooner than expected. So a few hours later I received another call that a baby boy was born and was in intensive care. I asked to come down and was told not to. Mom and Dad were going to be by baby’s side and this was not the time for visitors. I hung up the phone and prayed. Prayed that my friend made it through the birth; prayed that while the baby was struggling, he was alive and fighting. 

So it is ten years later, and this baby boy whom I am proud to call my first God son is alive and fighting. You see the last ten years have not been easy for him. Because he was a preemie he has had health issues all his life. He and I relate a little because he has had just as many ear surgeries as I have had. But he had several other issues that has had him battle and battle and battle. And with every issue he has always picked himself up again.  If you meet him, you would never know he has any kinds of issues. He is funny. He is very charming. And he is very, very active. He is also smart as a tack, and asks questions about things that adults have not considered. And even through all the issues this amazing boy has had, he LOVES God and Jesus. Most would have thrown up their hands and asked why, but this boy just loves. Do you want to know what inspires me? My God son inspires me.

So a few weeks ago I got a text message saying that my God son had another condition. This one was big. Surgery big. Potential for all sorts of bad things to happen big. I was shocked. I was not much help to my best friend, as I did not know what to say to her. What does one say to someone when their ten year old boy has to have another surgery that might have to save their life? I wish I was a more of a comfort, but I was not. But my best friend said this to me, “he won’t be able to walk for a few days. Walk for him. In your journey walk for him.” And I did. I was proud to have those journey days dedicated to him. 

My God son is back home from his surgery now. He is still healing and on the mend. His mom has to slow him down, because even though he had major surgery a week ago, he is still a force of nature. He still wants to play and run and tackle his younger brother. But he needs to heal. He has to heal. He wants to walk and run, but he cannot right now. He needs to heal so that he can get better.

So now comes day 28 for me, which was last Friday. On the day before my team at work and I went to a food bank to help stock and move canned and boxed food around for people that the next day would be coming to get so they could eat on Christmas day. I did not work as hard as some of my team members, but I did lift and move a lot of heavy food. It was difficult work, but it was good work. After the event was over, my legs, back and ankles hurt. I was a wreck. I knew I was not going to walk this day, but needed to do it Friday. If I did not walk on Friday, I am not sure when I would have a chance over the weekend. I did not want to miss another day. So I set my alarm for 5 AM and packed my work clothes in a bag. I was going to get up and walk before work, and then start my day.

As you all know 5 AM is very early. My alarm went off and I was not happy about it. I got up out of bed and felt every bit of my weight as my back still ached and my knees hurt. I moved around my apartment to loosen up. Nothing happened. I still was in pain and struggling. I sat on my bed again and decided I could not walk today. I was too hurt, too wrecked, and too tired. Maybe I could walk another day.

Then I looked up at my wall and saw a picture of my nephews and my two God sons of my best friend (well one official God son and one unofficial). My best friend gave me this amazing picture of the four of them last Christmas. It is one of my most cherished possessions. When I looked at the picture, I saw my God son there with his amazing smile and his arm around my oldest nephew. I could not tear my eyes away from his image. And then it hit me. This 10 year old kid was battling every day to live his life how he wants to live it. A 10 year old boy who has had more issues than I have fingers (and maybe toes). This ten year old that if he could would be out walking no matter what time of the day it was. He would walk for me if I needed it. At ten, he would do anything for me. And I was complaining about my back? I was complaining about my knees? I knew I was not injured. I was just sore and there is no reason why you cannot walk if you are sore. So I got my shoes and clothes on and drove to work. I checked in with the gym and with Francesca and went on my walk. As I walked I noticed I was super tired, but I did not hurt at all. My back felt good. My knees felt good. So I walked on.

Day 28 is one of my proudest days walking. Did I walk very far? No, I walked 1.20 miles. Did I walk very fast? No I did not. I did the mile in 25 minutes. But I walked. I was inspired by this 10 year old that has more courage than I do. It was not a great walk, but it was my favorite walk because of why I did it. I do not have any conditions that would prevent me from walking. And if that 10 year old cannot walk even though he desperately wants to, I can walk with the thought of him on my mind and prayers. 

Motivation can come from anywhere. But the best kind of motivation comes from things that you have your heart invested in. 

Sincerely,

Chris

Chris's Journey #9- With Black and White and No Room for Gray

Entry 9: With Black and White and No Room for Gray

One of the biggest struggles that I have with my weight, my food, and my exercising is black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is when you do one thing or the other, and do not entertain the thought of other options or continuing after a set back. For me, this thinking means, I am on a diet or I am not on a diet. I am either exercising or I am not. I am either on something or I am off of it. No picking up where I last was. I did not do that task; therefore I am not doing it anymore. This topic is so hard to talk about, so hard to describe, so I think I will give some past examples. 

In 2009 at the YMCA at work, there was a 12 week challenge called, Ultimate Weigh Loss. The YMCA would provide their facilities, their trainers, a dietician, and scheduled programs to help people that were interested in losing weight. I succeed in this program. It was partially a contest and I can get competitive at times. So I worked out 5 days a week, I watched my food, and after the 12 weeks was done, I was 30 pounds lighter. I was feeling so good and I had confidence that I never had. Then Christmas hit. Then I got a bad chest infection for several weeks. After a month of not working out, I decided it was done. I failed at this weight loss try and because I have not been doing it, then I am done. No need to continue or to try to get back to it. I failed. I failed again. Time to go back to laziness and struggle. Time to go back to putting myself down. No one can make me feel as bad as I can make myself.

In 2007 I decided to do a clinic weight loss program through a hospital. I had access to a nutritionist, and I had access to a group of people that wanted to help me. I did this program for several weeks. Then the food got expensive. And there were limited choices on what to eat. I did this program for 6 weeks, until I could not take the food anymore. I decided to quit the program. But instead of trying something else, I quit all together. I am either on a program or off of it, no room for middle ground.

In 2005, my buddy Jonathan and I decided to do Weight Watchers together. We would exercise and keep each other accountable. We were strong for 6 months or so. I lost over 40 pounds. Jonathan was an inspiration. He was killing it. I fed off of that and it made me work harder. Then Jonathan got a new job with a new schedule. We stopped going to Weight Watchers all together. He continued to work on his weight. I did not. Not going to Weight Watchers anymore Chris? Well then I am off of this weight loss try. I failed again. Bring on the shame. Bring on the guilt.

The hardest part of this whole process happened at Thanksgiving weekend. I talked about this struggle in entry 7 two weeks ago. I really thought I was done this time. I stopped walking over the course of a few days, so that means that I am not walking anymore. I am done.  Well, an interesting thing happened as you all know. I got back on the horse again. One of the things my counselor has been telling me is that when I fall down, I can get back up again. But it is my decision to decide, do I keep falling downward or do I get back up. Well for one of the first times in my life, I got back up again. I stalled after day 20. I could have stopped and said well at least I walked 20 days. But I focused myself and found a way through support to walk day 21 and then 22. Today was day 27, and it went great. I was late to get to the gym because of an assignment that came up at work, and when I got out, it was dark outside.  I had a good excuse not to walk. But I decided to anyway. I just modified my walk. I made it a timed one mile walk, so I was not out in the dark that long. I did not choose to be on or off. I chose another option. I chose gray.

This journey is a constant learning process for me. With every walk with every journal entry, with every counseling session I have I learn to heal myself a little more. Healing me of black or white thinking is a struggle. I cannot tell you how many times I have quit in my head. Thankfully, my feet did not hear the words, “I quit” and kept on walking. 

So as I continue in this journey, I will fight to stay in the gray. Please ask me anytime as to how my gray journey is going. Keep me accountable.

Sincerely,

Chris

Tell It to me Tuesday- Chris's Journey #8

Entry 8: Chris Hollister: An Unexpectant Journey

Previous weigh in: 451 pounds Current weigh in: 448 pounds

Still no eating changes, only walking. Now let’s get with this week’s entry.

On Thursday of this week I will reach another visual goal. I will have successful walked 25 days. In those 25 days, I have walked over 40 miles and have noticed that things are still not any easier. I will never be at my end goal until the Lord calls me home, but that end goal is not that important. The journey is what is important. With that in mind it reminds me of that first walk 2 months ago.

Over the past 2 months I have received a lot of wonderful feedback. To say that it is overwhelming is an understatement. Part of me likes basking in that love and the other part of me wants to hide from it. People want to say I am an inspiration. That is so incredibly kind. I am honored to hear people say that about me. I will say it is still very odd for me to hear that. I do not feel like an inspiration. I do not feel like Peter Cetera (ohhh an 80’s reference) should be singing about me. All I can see is a scared boy in a morbidly obese body that feels like he will fail at any minute. That failure is what charges me up. Thinking of that failure makes me want to walk. Funny to think that two months ago, I did not want to walk. Nothing motivated me to do anything at all. I was just a fat man sitting on the couch. But what is interesting is that when this journey started almost 2 months ago, it did not start as a journey, it started as a normal day.

It was a Thursday morning. I awoke early (which for me is really saying something). Awake at 4:45 AM would annoy anyone. I was not annoyed, I was anxious. Later that Thursday I was checking in to a sleep study clinic for the night. I had a sleep study done about 13 years ago. I hated it. Very little sleep and uncomfortable cords set up all over me. But I needed to get check out for sleep apnea. I agreed to do it after a year of my own doctor telling me to get the study done. I knew I was not going to sleep that night. I am terrible with no sleep. I had to do something to get me to sleep. So it was 4:45 in the morning and in 17 hours I would be settling down to a terrible night of rest. I searched through my head, thinking “what can I do to guarantee me falling asleep later that night?” Finally it occurred to me. I needed to wear myself out. I needed to do something active. I hated the gym. I hated the treadmill. I hated working out. How would I let out enough energy to help me sleep that night? Then another thought came in to my head. Just put on your shoes and grab your cell phone and walk. So I did just that, I put on my shoes and headphones and decided to walk down my own street.

Let me get this clear to all of you. When I started this, I had no agenda to walk. Walking was the furthest thing on my mind. I just felt like I needed something to help me fall asleep that night. So the first day of my journey did not start with a lot of pomp and circumstance. It did not even start with me deciding to begin walking on a regular basis. It started so that I could sleep.

The second day of walking did not start the journey either. But it was a lot closer than the first day. It was the day after the sleep study. And guess what I was right, I did not sleep much. And when I got home I did not sleep much either. I had the occasional ten minute nap, but nothing more than being wide awake with no energy from not getting any sleep. Then late in the afternoon, I decided that I wanted to walk again. I liked the positive feedback on FB that I got from the first walk and wanted to do it again. So I walked a second day. And I got more amazing feedback. It was lovely. For the first time in a LONG time, I was feeling really good about myself.

When this became a journey was the next week. First, I saw my friend Francesca who asked me to start writing down my thoughts. Second, was my friend Christy asking me if I had any goals and if she could help, that I was to let her know (again, that support from all areas of my life has been amazing). And third, when my counselor asked me to make visual goals. Visual goals are goals I saw myself doing instead of just goals that I wrote down to “hope” to accomplish. By those separate conversations, the three days of walking (yes, there was another day) became a journey. I shared it with the world and here I am now.

So why am I rehashing information that all of you already know? Well so many people have mentioned to me that they “wish they could walk” like I do. Whether it was family, or work, or other commitments, people seemed to imply to me that the walking that I did was an amazing feat (or feet…ha!). Let me be the first to tell you, it is not an amazing feat. It is just a man trying to get healthier. Trying to figure out what his life is going to be. I am no different than any of you. I just decided to walk. To paraphrase Forrest Gump, “I was walking.”

The only encouragement that I can give to all of you is to not make it a big deal. Do not make it where you have to give yourself a time commitment to get an exercise or walking plan together. Just get out there and do whatever activity you want. To quote the philosopher Nike, “Just do it”! The more of a big deal you make, the more likely you will not do it. Make your activity where it is not complicated, or hard or any kind of effort on your part. Don’t make the activity you choose a difficult one. A difficult activity usually means that I won’t do something. Same for you? My walk started so I could get tired. I decided to walk down the road near my house. Simple plan huh? Because it was simple, I did not talk myself out of it. I did not have to think about it. I did not stress about it. I just had to do it and I did it.

Try not to make what you want to do so impossible that you decide not to do anything. Your job is to figure out ONE thing and one thing only and just go out there and do it. You even get to decide on whatever that one thing is. Then do not overthink it and just do it. Then TELL people about it. You have family and friends that want to support you. They just do not know how. If you tell them that you walked today for 5 minutes, they will support you. Let all of your friends keep you energized and feeling good about yourself. And if you do not have a friend to help support you, please know I have your back, just like you have had mine. I will be there to support you. So let me ask you a question, what are you going to do today?

If I can do it, you can do it. Just walk and keep enjoying the journey.

Sincerely, Chris

Tell It to Me Tuesday (or Weds)- Chris's Journey #7

Day 7...so hard to write.

Entry 7: Peaks and Valleys, Highs and Lows, Missing Opportunities

I really do not want to write this journal entry. I really do not. I have been able to talk to you about all the wonderful things I have been doing. 20 days of walking, almost 35 miles walked, feeling more confident in myself. All really good peak stuff that I like to discuss and brag on myself about. Then there are weeks like the one I just had. The weekend was a very low valley that I am having trouble walking out of.

Peak (High): I killed Thanksgiving this year. I ate breakfast. I went to Thanksgiving lunch and only had a little bit of everything. I had a white plate and I could still see a ton of white on it. I went home and because I did not stuff myself, I was able to eat dinner at a regular time. Finally, I walked Day 20 doing a mile walk as fast as I could go. I got under 21 minutes, besting my personal record by a minute and a half. I was feeling good.

Valley (Low): I have not walked since Day 20. It has been the longest in between walks for me right now. Things are starting to snowball. I feel pressure on myself and I feel pressure from everyone reading this. You have not put the pressure on me; I am building the pressure up all on my own. I fear that I am disappointing you all. Because of that, I am struggling. Let me explain why.

In this process I am learning some things. One thing I have learned is that in order to have energy, you must use energy. If you rest and rest and rest your body, then your body goes in to an energy conserving mode. Once that happens it is hard to get your body moving again.

Friday, I did nothing. I sat around the house, I watched football. I told myself this was my rest day. I really did push myself on Thanksgiving. I enjoyed watching football and movies. It was a relaxing day.

On Saturday, I did nothing. I watched more football. I told myself I would walk on Sunday. As long as I got my walk in on the weekend, I was in the margin of error. But I began to notice something. It slowly became a struggle to do basic things. I was tired and needed to sit down. I just wanted to relax. It was like my body was drawing me to do nothing. The hard part was that I had NO plans this weekend. No plans to hang out with people. NONE. Most of my friends were out of town or had plans with their families. I also do not like to fish for plans. So, I continued to do nothing. Energy level kept going down and down.

Sunday, I did NOTHING. Again. More watching football. As the day got later and later, I kept telling myself I need to do it. I need to walk. I tried to get my shoes on but noticed how exhausted I was. It hurt to move. It hurt to walk. Body ached. I was able to see some friends for dinner, but that did not take much energy. They were the first people I saw since Thanksgiving. Besides that dinner, I did nothing else.

On Monday, co-workers asked how my thanksgiving was. I told them that it was slow, which was true. But as I write this, it is also humiliating. It is Tuesday, 5 days since I walked last and stuck on Day 20. Old Chris would be packing it in. “Well I cannot do it anymore, time to give up”. I am ashamed to write that. I told you I would be honest, but still it is so hard to admit. I am ashamed and angry with myself for not doing something that was so natural to me for 20 days. Now I made it a struggle again.

So here it is Tuesday, my normal walking day. And I am out of commission. My stomach has been giving me a fit since last night. I have had to stay close to a restroom. So, no walking today and that depresses me. But I am feeling better. Tired, but better. So I texted Francesca and made an appointment at 7:15 AM tomorrow to see her. By hook or by crook, Day 21 will be completed tomorrow. I am sure she and I will talk about this, just like my counselor and I discussed this yesterday. I need to have a contingency plan in place to fight the laziness…to fight the do nothing today thoughts. I need to figure out what to do to prevent a weekend like this from ever happening again.

In this journey there will be more valleys I am sure. Times when I struggle, and have a hard time getting back on track. But the important thing that I need to remember is to stay on the path. This is a journey, a journey with no ending. So I need to make sure I get use to the road that this journey is on. It is one I will be on for the rest of my life. And that needs to become my new reality.

See you tomorrow Day 21.

Sincerely, Chris

Tell It to Me Tuesday- Chris's Journey #6

It's amazing what holds us back, Joel Brown said it best -If we doubted our Fears instead of doubting our dreams, Imagine how much in life we’d accomplish”. Read on for Chris's number 6...

Entry 6: Letting the World Pass You By

The past two weekends I have gone out and done some fun things. Two weekends ago, I went with my dear friend Amanda to help sell merchandise at a tobyMac concert. The biggest perk of selling merchandise was also being able to watch most of the concert. Then this past weekend, I renewed a tradition of going to St. Augustine to attend Night of Lights with some of my Flagler College alumni and friends. It was amazing to be back on campus even for just a little while and more amazing to spend time with these people that I adore. This brings me to this week’s journey note.

Over the course of the last 5 years or so, I have noticed that it became harder and harder for me to go out with people. Constantly feeling in the way at a restaurant (having to always ask for a table when a booth is available), or sitting on a person’s couch and only enough room for me, or trying to find a chair strong enough to hold me. These are all things I have run through my head when I agree to hang out with someone. Then there is the worst thought. Will I have enough energy to do that activity? Now for the size that I am, I have a good amount of energy. I play with my Godsons, and nephews. They climb Uncle Chris all the time and I lift and carry them as best as I can. But it is usually the moving and walking activities that scare me the most. So the walking around St. Augustine or the mall or anything active makes me scared half to deaf. Showing I am weak. Showing that the weight has completely overtaken me.

So the past few years, I have been making up excuses not to go places. Genuine headaches that I made sound bigger to my friends, to say that I am unable to go. I would have an actual anxiety attacks that would come over me because I was afraid to show my face and body. Calling friends at the last minute to say I could not go, because I was too scared, too frightened that I would not be able to do whatever the activity was. I basically decided by my weight that I would let the world pass me by. Everyone else should have fun, but not me. I am too fat.

I am ashamed to admit that many of you reading this have been turned down by me because I felt my weight would get in the way of what we were going to do. If you are one of those people, please, please accept my humblest apologies. You did not deserve that treatment, but I gave it to you anyway. I am very sorry.

My weight has even gotten in the way of my love for working with youths in a church (or just in general). I do not have the stamina right now to keep up with all the activities that you have to do in an active youth group. My last trip I made with kids was 2005 in New York City. This was going to be my last trip with St. George’s Episcopal because after 4 years I was burned out. To be honest I had also been working as a volunteer youth leader straight since 1993. I needed a time out. The New York trip ended up becoming my biggest accomplishment and failure as a youth minister all at the same time. During the trip I was SO PROUD of how each kid on the trip as they all stepped up as a leader and planned activities lead the group on a chosen day or even plan a whole day of activities. I can still close my eyes and see moments on that trip. It was special.

The failure came with all the activity. In New York you walk. Sure the subways are great, but they cannot get you everywhere. So you walk and walk and walk. I also made the mistake of buying new shoes and not breaking them in for the trip. My feet hurt constantly and I was tired all the time. I was probably even 60 pounds lighter than I am now. But every day was a struggle.

On the second to the last day of the trip, the kids wanted to go to Central Park and see Strawberry Fields and the hotel where John Lennon was shot. The Beatles were an important band to my kids and I agreed to it because they planned it out. So the 7 youths, 2 leaders and I went walking through Central Park. I had been in Central Park before and it was beautiful as ever. Well, this day was similar to the other ones. We walked and we walked and we walked. I guess my stamina was super low at this time. The kids noticed how tired I was. They kept checking on me. Instead of me checking in on them, they were checking on me. It was losing focus of why we were in New York at all. The next part is hard for me to talk about. It was humiliating and beautiful all at the same time.

About 4 hours in to the constant walking, I guess the agony was enough for my kids. They talked to the other leaders on the trip and the leaders decided that I needed to go back to our hotel (well it was a dorm room…but that is a longer story). So one of the leaders, Kammy (also the rector of the church) hailed me a cab and handed me money and told me to take it back to the dorm. I was mortified. I was shocked. I looked at all those faces and saw concern for me. Love for sure, but concern was the biggest part. I felt so embarrassed. I said no. I told Kammy to send the cab away. Thankful she did. I told the group that I was tired, but I am here for them and not the other way around. I would not leave them. Then I fought to tough it out the rest of the way. Finally when I got to bed that night, with swollen feet and defeated spirit that I let every kid on that trip down, I slowly promised myself not to work with kids again until I could keep up with them. With tears in my eyes I finally fell asleep. Sad part of all of this here it is 2013; 8 years later and I have not gotten healthier. Some of my kids have gotten married. Some have had a child or will have a child. All of them are successful in the way their life is now. I am very proud of each of them. But for me it is 8 years later and I am still not healthy. For 8 years I began to let the world simply pass me by without being a big part of it.

As of the day I am writing this, I am up to day 18 of walking. Today was the hardest day yet. The wind was harsh, I was tired from Night of Joy the night before and I wanted to just relax. But about 3:00, I told myself that today was Day 18 and it was time to get my walk on. So I walked 1.90 miles and am ready for Day 19. Since I wrote my last entry, I passed a very important first visual goal. I walked a marathon in 16 days of walking. That is right I walked 27.01 miles in 16 days. A full marathon being 26.2 miles, I knocked it out of the ballpark! I did not celebrate with food. I celebrated with a pat on the back. I have so many other visual goals to get to. Next one up is 25 walking days. Remember Day 18 was today. I have even surpassed walking 2 miles twice. I will be pushing myself to walk further and further, just need to do it slowly so I can build up my stamina.

Before I close, I again want to express my complete admiration and appreciation to all of you reading this journey entry and all the support you have given me. As I told someone the other day, I hope I do not need the support to walk and journal, but I am sure glad it is there because it does make it easier!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking part of your very valuable time and being a part of my journey. I am so very glad you are here.

Sincerely, Chris

Tell It to me Tuesday- Chris's Journey #5

Entry 5: Wants and Needs

Weight Previous: 453 pounds Current: 451 pounds Total since walking began: 4 pounds

The thought of wants and needs has been floating in my head for the past week or so. I have said to several people , “For 39 years I have always been doing what I want. Now it is time to do what I need.” So the question is, what do I want and what needs to change so that I can do what I need. So here is a list of wants and needs.

• I want to eat without thinking about what I have to eat. • I need to consider every meal before I eat so I can make sure I am eating the best meal possible. • I want to sit on the couch and watch TV on my time off. • I need to get up and move. Without movement my body will continue to be the shape it is: round. Sadly, round is a shape. • I want to never have to worry about my weight again. • I need to take this addiction seriously. Like alcoholics need to stay away from drinking, I need to work to stay away from unhealthy foods and situations where I will overeat. • I want to be in a relationship right now. The loneliness is really starting to bother me. • I need to spend this time to take care of myself. Healing is hard when you are focused on someone else instead of yourself. Plus God will take care of the relationship in His time. • I want to have my shame be a quiet one. All to me, keeping the pain in. • I need to share my struggle with people. For support, for help, and for love.

If I think hard enough, I could probably rattle another 15 or so of those responses. But you all get the point.

So my struggle right now is shifting me to being an “I want” thought process to an “I need” thought process. I cannot tell you how many times during a day that the “I want’ thought comes in to my head. Maybe hundreds or thousands of those “I want” thoughts come in my head throughout the course of a day. It is almost like breathing. I feel like a small boy yelling to his parents at the top of his lungs, “I WANT, I WANT, I WANT!” I want a burger. I want a milkshake. I want the large curly fries. All of those thoughts come up during any hunger times or any meal times. And then I have to feed the want and overstuff myself of food.

The wants are not just for food. Sadly, that is just the tip of the iceberg. Almost when every time a walking day comes, the “I want to stay home and chill” pops in to my head. “I want to relax today” or “I do not want to deal with my weight” keeps coming up too. Want, want, want. Just wanting to hear the day that a pill for weight loss comes up, so that I do not have to do this anymore, and I can just lose the weight without thought or work.

This is where the needs come to play. I need to modify the way I eat. Every little modification means pounds lost. I need to get off this couch and use my exercise bands. I need to strap my shoes on and walk. I need to do things that may hurt now, but will help me feel better later. I need to love me better.

One of the other things I need to do is to be grateful for the people in my life. The ones I know and the ones I do not know. The out pouring of support has been nothing short of amazing. Wonderful people in all areas of my life have written and supported me over the past 5 weeks and I am grateful. I am doing this journey for me, but any journey is better with company. I am grateful for all the support from people known and unknown. I do not know where this journey will lead, but I am so glad you are with me on it.

Until next Tuesday.

Sincerely, Chris

Tell It to Me Tuesday- Chris's Journey #4

We all have them- Distractions. This week Chris here talks about his and how he overcame them and just kept on walking!

Blog 4: Distractions

Before I begin, I just wanted to put my day 10 FB post on the blog just in case you have not seen it.

"So today in my new journey to being healthier was day 10 walking. 15 walking days till my first celebration. In the 10 days I have walked 15.73 miles or an average of 1.57 miles a day. My friend Jonathan Oakes recommended that I start figuring out in distance where I have walked to if I kept walking. Well for 15.37 miles, I am 43.57% to my alma mater Flagler College. Pretty cool huh?"

Now back to my regular scheduled blog.

I do things well when I am on a schedule. At work, I create an assignment log every week that tells me what to get done and the importance of each item. In life, I need to know what we will do when we go out. Without a schedule there would be chaos in my life. Do not get me wrong, I like to be spontaneous. However, once the decision to be spontaneous has been made, I want to plan it out.

This also goes with my walking schedule. I have an automatic Tuesday and Thursday and once over the weekend schedule. Tuesday and Thursdays when I walk, I check in with Francesca for accountability and I have the weekend to decide what will be best for me. It worked well when I was just starting to work out, and it has been working out well for the first 10 days walking. I have been successful in meeting every mark and every scheduled day so far. Rain or shine if I was supposed to walk, I walked, and I was proud of that. Then last Thursday happened out of nowhere.

When I got out to my car last Wednesday night, I noticed that the car did not start as quickly as it normally did. It still started and I still got home, but I knew something was going on. I made the decision to get up early and not walk, but take my car in the shop. I hoped to get everything done and walk in the evening after work. I even planned my workout bag and everything. So got up early, got the car place, and sat in the waiting room and waited. Well, I waited for a half hour and the nice man at the Sun Tire came out and said it was the battery and alternator. GROAN!! Not only expensive (well for me) but also it was going to take time. How much time? Well the alternator and battery that my car needs was not in stock and they had to order the parts. It was going to be a few hours just to get the parts in, let alone install them. It was starting to occur to me that this day would not work out the way I planned. What about day 11? At this point in time I was not sure.

So I called a buddy to come pick me up (thanks Eric!). He took me to work and I started my work day. I had lunch scheduled that day, but with no car I could not get to it (sorry Jen). So my beautifully scheduled day was completely getting out of hand. By the time I got out of work it was 5:15 PM. Another buddy (thanks Jonathan!) took me to get my car, and by the time I paid for the repairs, it was 6:00 PM and almost completely dark. With as dark as it was getting I did not feel comfortable walking. Not because of my safety, but from my fear of getting hit by a car. OK, I guess it was my safety. So I decided to hunker down for the night and miss my first Thursday of walking.

I decided that I needed to walk Friday morning. My biggest fear in all of this (which I think I have mentioned) is missing one day. One day equals two equals not walking anymore equals mission failure. I decided to walk Friday morning for two reasons. First, I knew if I waited till the afternoon time that if a movie plan came up or some kind of fun activity came up I would blow walking off. The second reason was a message my friend Christie sent me Thursday night. She told me that she could not wait to see what was next in my journey. I am not sure if she wrote for encouragement, or if she recognized that it was Thursday and there was not walking post for me that came up. Whatever it was the reason she wrote the message it inspired me. So Day 11 was going to happen…Friday morning. Bring it. I had to get up at 5 AM because I had to get the walk in and then get to the office, but bring it on!

Then 5 AM Friday morning came. Do you know how early 5 AM is?? Well it is early. Roosters are not up yet. It is still way dark. And I was still tired! I wanted more sleep, which almost never happens. Then the thoughts came in my head. I need to rest. I need to make sure I am awake for my important 9:00 meeting. I need to do anything but walk. I almost talked myself in to it too. But then another thought came in to my head. I have a reason to walk today. I have a family in my life that is going through the ultimate test right now. The family is struggling and I was asked to pray. I put it in my head that if this family could go through this struggle, then I could walk. So I got my walking shorts on. Then my shirt. Then my socks and shoes. I then got my change bag with my work clothes in it. I left the house and drove to work.

The campus at work is beautiful and well lit. So it is the perfect place to walk at 5:30 in the morning. I parked my car, took a sip of water, and I started to walk. And I walked a new path. I walked and got more determined as I walked. I prayed and walked. I thought about my friends and walked. When I got tired, I thought of their struggle and kept walking. The cool air was agony to me. It was a lot colder than I thought it would be. But I kept walking. When all was said and done, I had walked the longest I had ever walked, 1.87 miles. I went in the Y at work showered, and went to work. Day 11 done. Take that distractions!

Today was day 12, and I knocked that out too in the early afternoon on a Sunday. I had all the same excuses in my head, but I ignored them. Today was my walking day, and I was going to walk. I strapped my shoes on and put foot to pavement. 1.67 miles knocked out.

Distractions will always be there. I will not always be able to walk on the days I schedule to walk. But the point of this is to take the distractions, recognize them and figure out a way where I do not let the distraction run my life. Here is this week’s learning lesson. The chaos that ran my life before of bad eating and no exercise and poor choices is GONE. That chaos is gone and I cannot wait to bury it from my life one day. I, Chris Hollister am in charge of my life. Me and me alone. If one day does not work to walk, fine. Plan another day. Distractions you are in my life, but you do not control me anymore. You are a blip in my radar, and a little one at that. I will walk the next day. I will walk in rain if necessary. I will walk in heat. I will walk with no music or company if I have to. But I will walk.

Today like every day I wrote on my walk FB post “Finish Day 12, hoping for day 13”. Well no more. That was a mistake to write that today. I am no longer going to hope. I am going to do. So everyone, I finished day 12 today. See you on day 13!

Sincerely, Chris

Tell It To Me Tuesday: Chris's Journey #3

Today Chris and I walked up the second level of the parking garage, and did a little zigzagging around the garage. He thought it would look cool on the runtastic app, except that we had no reception at all while in the garage. He ended up doing over 1.78 miles, and felt good! Oh, and he did his first band upper body workout! Video coming soon! Whoop! Whoop! Read below to keep up with his journey and progress!

My Grandmother always would say to me, “I love you and I like you”. The variant of that would be when I was in trouble was, “I will always love you, but I will not always like you”. If I could talk to myself most of the time it would be, “I do not love you, and I really do not like you”.

So, I have a horrible self-image of myself. No matter how fat and overweight you see me as being, I see myself as twice that and then some. I was thinking of that to myself on Day 9 of this journey I am beginning. I started the walk and the usual was happening. My feet were hurting, my legs were hurting, and I did not have a proper music play list. I was just whiny. A few steps in to it, I was telling myself to just turn around. There is always tomorrow. As Admiral Akbar would say, “IT’S A TRAP!”

The “there is always tomorrow “is my trap. I cannot tell you how many changes to my eating habits I did not begin or how many exercise routines I did not start, because there was always tomorrow. If it was not tomorrow, it was let’s start Monday; it is the beginning of the week. If it was not tomorrow, or Monday, then it was we will start at the beginning of the month. Tomorrow, Monday, beginning of the month, it did not matter to me. I was not going to start it. It is because I did not have the love or liking of myself to begin. If you love someone, you (within reason) will do anything for them. Whether it is picking them up at the airport at 1 AM, or house sitting for them at the last minute, or even helping someone by driving out at midnight to fix a flat tire, if it is important we are there. So the thought frequently goes in my head, “you like them that much you will do that, but you do not like yourself enough to not got for a short walk”?

So the thought in my head at the beginning of this walk was I can do this tomorrow. After all there was football to be watched (although it was bad Gator football). It was a busy day, I needed to rest. Rest is good for you. Your feet hurt Chris, you should not walk with your feet hurting. All the excuses were there. I could have taken any of them. I could have taken all of them. But then the statement my Grandmother made to me came in to my head. “I love you and I like you”. Then my orders became clear. It was time to walk.

Day 9 was a hard 1.6 miles. I hurt afterwards. But I still did it. I was tired afterwards. But I still did it. Several friends on Facebook posted a picture of this overweight guy walking on to my site. The caption with the overweight guy was, “No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch”. That was true. All those people watching the game. I was lapping them. Chris 9 walking days ago, I lapped him. I was lapping everyone except the nice old lady that had her dog bark at me really loud. She was lapping me, but I let her…that dog was weird.

OK, back to the blog. In this journey, I have to learn to love myself. If I do not this entire journey is for naught. When you love someone you will do anything for them. Right now, I would do anything for my friends and family, but not for me. I need to love myself so that I will do anything for me to keep me safe. I need to love me to keep me healthy. I need to love me to keep me walking.

I love you and I like you. Day 9 complete. I am hoping for day 10.

Also, I am no longer 455 pounds. I am 453 pounds. I love you and I like you Chris.

Sincerely,

Chris

Monthly Back/Abs Workout

How To

Super Mans: Lie on your stomach, your legs need to be straight and together. Extend your straight arms above your head. Keep your head/neck in a neutral position. Keeping limbs straight (but not locked) and torso stationary, Simultaneously lift your arms and legs up toward the ceiling to form a gentle curve with your body. Hold for a slow 10 counts. 

One-Arm DB Row: Place your left knee and your left hand on top of the bench for support. Let your right arm hang down and a bit forward. Pull your abdominals in and bend forward from the hips so that your back is naturally arched and roughly parallel to the floor, and your right knee is slightly bent. Tilt your chin toward your chest so that your neck is in line with the rest of your spine. Pull your right arm up until your elbow is pointing to the ceiling, your upper arm is parallel to the floor, and your hand comes to the outside of the ribcage. Lower the weight slowly back down. Keep your back straight at all times!

Bicycle Crunch: Lie flat on your back. Place hand behind your head, slowly lift your shoulder blades off the ground ( do not pull on your neck), then bring your right elbow towards the left knee while straightening your left leg. Switch and do the same motion on the other side. 

Cross Crunch: Lie on your back. Your arms and legs are diagonally out so your body creates an X. While keepiing your arms and legs straight bring yout right hand towards the left foot, then your left hand go towards your right foot. Make sure that your are lifting your shoulder blades off the ground

** Remember to breathe and listen to your body! Stop to take breaks when needed!**

Resource: Sparkspeople.com, bodybuilding.com, dummies.com

Tell It to Me Tuesday: Chris's Journey #2

Chris is still going strong! I am so proud of him. This is the first time in the four years that i have known him that he has stuck with it for this long. He is getting stronger everyday, and is one step closer to his goal!

His journey continues below...

t is the day after day 5. Day 5 was going to be a glorious walk. It was a brisk 68 degrees outside. The wind was blowing. The sun was shining. I just had a really good day at work. I was supposed to walk with my friend Angie that day, but work got in the way. Luckily she understood. So, I got changed checked in with Francesca and began

to walk.

I put on my newest walking mix, and it started with a little AC/DC “Shoot to Thrill”. I smiled and chugged along. I decided before I started that I wanted to walk Saturday’s Monster Dash fun walk route.

Side note, Monster Dash is a 5K race that the YMCA at work put on for the employees at Florida Blue. Along with the 5K there would be a “Fun Run” that will be ¾ of a mile. The Fun Run is geared towards the kids that are coming out to Monster Dash, but I am nowhere near a 5K, so I decided to do the Fun Walk. Better something than nothing eh?

OK back to the story. So I decided to walk the route. I knew it would be a bit shorter than I wanted to walk, so I decided to do the route plus. The route is a simple one. The Fun Run is a lap around the fitness complex at work (one of the amazing bonuses to working at Florida Blue). So I decided to start my walk a little further out than where the starting line was. I also went down a longer path to get to the lap. I wanted to stretch things out to challenge myself a little more. When I got to the actual path I was feeling great.

After the path was over with I heard the Runtastic App lady tell me one mile. I was happy. First time a mile did not feel like a mile to me. You got to realize to a guy my size a mile is not just 5,280 feet (I had to look that up). A mile to a guy my size feels like the 40 year walk that Moses and the Jewish nation walked to get to the promise land, and just about as slow. Honestly, a month ago I would not have seen myself walking over a mile on such a consistent basis as I am doing now. OK, OK back to the walk. So I hit the mile with not much struggle and was still feeling good. Music was still entertaining me as The Karate Kid’s “You’re the Best Around” came on. So I decided to take the long way around to get back to the gym.

About a mile and half I really began to feel it. The wall hit me pretty badly. Luckily God had my back. My buddy Jordan was walking out to his car after a long day and walked with me a bit. Conversation always lifts me up, and Jordan is a good friend who must have seen me struggling. Just the 5 minutes of conversation helped and I continued on.

So after 46 minutes and 23 seconds I finally got back to the gym and my walk was done. Totaled walked, 1.83 miles. If you saw the picture of my walk on my Runtastic App it may look like I was trying to draw a picture through step. I really was not trying to do that, but if you want to give me that kind of credit, go for it. When I got done, I was spent. SPENT. I had a sick feeling in my stomach of hunger and exhaustion. Both my calves were cramping up. I get bad Charley Horses when I do not drink enough water or work out too hard. And I drank plenty of water this day. I knew I over did it. Later on that night I felt pain in my ankle and in my groin a little. Not too much, but enough to where I felt it.

When I got done with the walk I said to Francesca that 1.8 is my threshold for walking now. I have done 1.8 twice and have not felt that great afterwards. So with much thought today, I decided that I am going to stick to the 1.4 to 1.7 mile range. At least do that for a while before I feel like pushing myself to the 2 mile walks. That is the next “goal” or stage in the journey. I accomplished 1 mile and 1.5 miles with little sweat. 2 miles will be more difficult, especially if I am feeling a little pain. I want to accomplish so much right now. But I realized I want to because I am really enjoying the “atta boys” I am getting from all my friends. I cannot do it for the praise. I need to do this for me. I have to focus on the me and not that I will let people down if I do not walk 2 miles today. In the end, I have to look at myself in the mirror. The only one I need to answer to is me. So the lesson today is walking = all about Chris. The praise and encouragement has to be secondary to the all about Chris part. I will do my best. The encouragement is such a healthy addiction. I am soaking it in and loving every bit of it. But I only answer to me. All about Chris.

So I weighed in before the walk. Still at 455 pounds. Frustrating to say the least, but I know why I am at a standstill even though I am walking like crazy. Need to work harder at the food part. I see my nutritionist next week. Need to be really honest with her.

Here was my Day 5 playlist: Shoot to Thrill – AC/DC; Dream On - Aerosmith; Citizen Soldier – 3 Doors Down; You’re the Best – Joe Esposito; Supertones Strike Back – OC Supertones; The Cave – Mumford & Sons; Gunpowder and Lead – Miranda Lambert; I’m Shipping Out to Boston – Dropkick Murphys; My Hero – Foo Fighters; American Girl – Tom Petty; Good Feeling – Flo Rida

Day 6 is tomorrow. ¾ mile Fun Run for Monster Dash. Nervous about all the people there. But still focused on doing it.

Chris and I after his first Monster Dash! I was so proud of him!

Post Monster Dash….

OK, this is being written a day after Monster Dash. The walk and setting up went well. I was a lot more tired than I thought I would be. But I was also on my feet for over 3 hours and then did my walk. Just proud I made it without whining. Well without whining much.

Two things occurred to me while I was out there. The first was it hit me that when I was doing the “Fun Run” that I was one of only a few adults in it. Not only that, but I was the only adult that did not had a child. I will be honest, this hit me hard. Wow, I could not do the grown up walk, I had to do the kids one. But in more thinking about it, that is appropriate. As a baby, you crawl, then you learn to walk, then you learn to run. I am learning to walk all over again. I need to embrace this time as a time of learning and growing. I need to also try to be positive about it and not down on myself.

The second thing that occurred to me is that I have a great support system. My friend Karen was waiting for me to cross the finish line. She was so excited that I just did the fun walk. I was so grateful to see her smiling face as I crossed. Francesca constantly checked on me to make sure I was OK. She celebrated with me when I was done. And my friend Joanne was a constant source of support. Just wanting me to move around and not be still. Does not matter what I do, but to move. And then the dozens and dozens of FB support I continue to get every time I post. My friend Mel Mel and her husband Andy offered to be there when I walk my first 5K! We are setting that up for May 2014. The attention makes me feel like a rock star. But more importantly it makes me feel that I can continue.

I need to invest in a good pair of sneakers, so I am going to Jacksonville Running Company on Monday. I am hoping this will help with the ankle and knee pain. I need to continue. I need to keep moving. Hoping for Day 7.

Sincerely, Chris