Chris's Journey #27- The Fight for Me: Part 1

Issue 27: Chris is an Addict

This issue was going to be completely different when I started it two days ago. I decided to change it up and be brutally honest. I am a food addict. I wish I was not, but I am. And I am hurting today. I want food so bad right now. I am exhausted and tired and all I can think about is food. I guess you can say I am detoxing. And this is so hard right now.

I started this new food plan yesterday. It is pretty radical and really hardcore. There is a reason why I am doing this new food plan, but I will discuss that more next week. But I am so hungry. I am shaky. I am obsessed with thinking of food. I cannot get it out of my head. Commercials are driving me nuts. Driving home tonight, I passed by 8 fast food places. Do not think I did not count. I have counted and I know where each of them is at. I am fighting the urges with every bit of strength in me. I feel completely chained down. Food has controlled almost every bit of my 40 year existence. I told myself on my birthday that this was the year I take over. As my friend Melissa said to me tonight, there are growing pains when you grow. I am feeling those pains like crazy.

To prepare for this food plan, I tried to think of everything I would do. I am an addict after all. So first I asked my sister to come over yesterday and take all the unhealthy food out of my house. All of it. My fridge and freezer have only my food plan food in it now, and they are both so empty. I put chairs on both sides of my kitchen so I have to move them to get in to it. I put a copy of the food plan on my fridge. I wrote a reminder to bring my lunch on my front door. I then left all money and credit cards at home (hidden). I would stop at any of those 8 fast food restaurants on the way home in a heartbeat. I had to do something to prevent that. That was the thing I thought of.

I am treating myself like a small child, but I have to. I will lose this fight if I do not do most of the things that I have done to prevent eating. I even asked a set of friends to be accountability partners for me. They are to check in with me and to hear me whine. And trust me I am whining. It has only been two days, but I want to quit so bad. I want to give in and eat.

There is a split personality going on. In control Chris and addict Chris. In control Chris knows he wants to accomplish a lot and needs to get healthy to accomplish any of it. He wants to do whatever it takes to be healthy and achieve all the goals I want in life. Addict Chris wants to destroy in control Chris. Addict Chris does not care what happens as long as he gets what he wants. Food, and any amount he wants. So the two sides of me are fighting right now. Axis versus Allies. Jedi versus Sith. Good versus evil. God versus Satan. I am so tired of the fighting and I want to give in. But as of 9:23 Monday night, I have not given in.

I am taking this fight one day at a time. I want to give in because I am an addict. I want my hit. I want the cravings to stop. But there is a light inside me that wants me to be healthy. That light is dim right now, but it is getting brighter. I just need to keep working to making it brighter. A light so bright that the addict Chris cannot take it anymore and the healthy in control Chris can win.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey #26: Struggling

Entry 26: Struggling

• 64 times walked • 118.9 miles walked • 45 hours 59 minutes walked • 34,008 calories burned • 8 5Ks walked since February 3rd • 5 Official 5 Ks

Those are very humbling statistics that I listed above. I cannot believe that I have done all that since October 2013. What an amazing journey it has been in the past 7 months. I still struggle giving myself a pat on the back for all the work I have done. I have talked with so many people about, that I should be proud of the work that I have put in. So many people have told me that I should be proud because before I started doing this, I had not walked as far as a mile. At work, I even use to use the security cart to take me from one side of the campus to the other. The last time I used that cart was October 2013. I will never get on it again. But I still struggle to see all the good that I have done. To me, I should be doing more. I should be working harder. I should be losing weight faster. I should be conquering my food demons better. I have not done any of that. Instead I feel struggle.

Let me tell you a story of my latest struggle (do not worry it has a happy ending).

Last Thursday I participatde with over 150 co-workers in the Corporate 5K, a charity race here in the Jacksonville area. This would be my eighth 5K, so no biggie right? Getting to be old hat right? Not so fast. I was not really feeling this race at all. First off, it was at night (6:30 PM) as opposed to the morning races I have been used to. Next, I had a sour stomach all day. Because of that, I did not eat a whole lot. Then, the weather was rough. Very windy and spotty rain made for rough conditions. Finally, last Sunday I had bought 2 brand new pairs of running shoes and was breaking in both pairs. I figured a 5K would be a great way to finish breaking in my brand new New Balances. Yes, most of you see where this is going.

The thing I am learning about the 5Ks I am participating in is there is a lot of hurry up and wait. You need to get to each race with enough time to park, get your packet, and find where the starting line is. By the time the race begins, you will already have been on your feet for an hour or more. For most people that is fine. I am currently 436 pounds. Standing with a 436 pound frame is not comfortable for long periods of time. So usually by the time the race begins, I am tired and ready to rest not walk. For each 5K I was able to push through it. With the help of some amazing friends talking with me and coaching me through, I had been able to complete each one.

When the Corporate 5K began, I was already tired, but I had my headset strapped in and was ready to go. I turned to my buddy Waco and Bryn and told them to walk their own pace for this 5K. Don’t wait on me. I know I am usually the slowest person walking in most of these races, but I am Ok with that. I am there and that is all that matters. So Waco and Bryn went on ahead and I walked alone with my music in my ears.

The pain in my feet began almost immediately. Sometimes my back hurts, sometimes my knees hurt, but my feet hurt every time I walk. Usually the pain lasts about a mile or so and then the feeling in my feet become numb (well no pain) and I am able finish the race feeling good. With my new shoes that I mentioned a bit ago, there was going to be no relief for me. This was not my first time wearing my new shoes, it was my second. I figured that I would break them in with this race. That was my biggest mistake to date. But with as much pain as my feet had, I kept on walking.

Getting to the first mile marker felt like I walked 10 miles already. I felt a nasty blister develop on my right foot (a foot that had been blister free until then) and my feet kept throbbing. No relief or numbness for my feet this time. But I kept going. I got so frustrated with myself as person after person passed me. I kept looking back and the crowd that was walking behind me kept dwindling and dwindling. That really started to get to me, but I kept going. I decided no more looking back.

The pain in my feet kept getting worse and worse. I was really starting to give thought to quitting and getting a ride back. I would have been ashamed of myself, but I hoped to have relief. I frantically got my phone and text two of the best friends a guy like me could have and simply said “Struggling”. A few minutes later I got a text back that said, “Praying”. That made me smile and I kept going forward. After another ¼ of a mile or so I breathed loudly. It was time to quit. I was done. Energy completely spent with hurting feet and a course that went up and down hill after hill. I could not do anymore. But God had other ideas for me. He was about to answer my friend’s prayer.

I was about to turn a corner when I saw a man and a woman walking down the street. They were chatting and saying good bye. The woman was carrying a “Happy Birthday” balloon and turned down the same sidewalk I was on. She saw me and commented that she had not known there was a race today. I said yes there was and that I thought I was the last person. She walked with me a bit down the sidewalk telling me how impressed she was with me walking. She said wished she would walk more. I told her if I could do it, anyone could do it. We talked for a little longer down the sidewalk. I am not sure what an angel looks like, but this one was in a yellow business suit and was beautiful. She said she was proud of me, and when we got to the corner she went to turn to go to her car and I kept walking forward. She wished me luck and told me she knew I could finish. I had to smile and kept on walking. I never saw her again.

I got to the 2 mile marker and was still struggling. Pain was shooting all through my feet and I was breathing the heaviest I had ever breathed during these 5Ks. I did not know how much more I had inside me. I saw a police officer up ahead and figured I would ask for help getting back. As I looked ahead at the police officer, a woman came walking towards me. As she came in to focus, I found that it was my friend Lacey. Lacey has been my friend and encourager for over a year now. She is also my nutritionist and when I listen to her that is when I am my most successful. As Lacey kept approaching me with that amazing smile of hers I greeted her with a “what are you doing here”. She looked at me and said, “I am here for you. I am here to finish the race with you.” I was blown away. At that time, the first time since this race began; I knew I was going to finish it. God had sent me a second angel to help me get through this.

Lacey talked, and played swing music to get my mind off things and keep walking. I was walking ugly (breathing heavy, talking in slurs sometime), but I was putting foot after foot on the ground and kept going. After a few minutes longer, Lacey says to me, “Isn’t that Tammy back there?” I turned around and looked for the first time since the 1.5 mile marker and saw it was Tammy and her son. Tammy is an amazing woman who is like me, a person who was an unhealthy and now striving to become healthier. Tammy’s son was an amazing support system for her as she caught up with us. So then we walked and walked with Lacey encouraging me and Tammy’s son encouraging her.

And if God was not amazing enough, he really, really had my back because about a ¼ of a mile from the finish line, my buddy Waco and his son Bryn came back to finish the race with me. For someone who had no support and was struggling, I now had an overabundance of support. I hurt, I was in pain, but if these amazing people were going to walk with me, I was going to finish for them. I was going to finish for me.

So finally, the finish line appeared and I crossed over it. Tammy crossed it a few moments before I did. I high fived my team and we took pictures. This amazing team of unlikely walking angels (and the beautiful woman in yellow) had helped me finish the race. Tell me that God does not exist and I will tell you this story. He not only exists, He answers prayers. As I said good bye, I stood there a moment completely in awe of my friends. As much as I wanted to do this race on my own, I am so blessed to have people love me enough to help me every painful step of the way.

So in this journey, there will be a lot of pain and a lot of struggle. I will be down on myself a few more times before this journey is over with. I may want to quit again, but I need to know that as long as I keep going forward, I will be doing just fine. I have amazing people supporting me and an amazing God who has my back.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey #25 Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Entry 25: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

First, I wanted to take a few minutes to thank everyone for sticking around for 25 issues of my journey. For me it is an exciting time of growth, and I am happy to share it with all of you. I cannot wait to see what happens to me over the course of the next 25! Now on to this week’s issue.

I had a difficult break up yesterday. Since yesterday I have been a little restless, had a headache and ached to get back together. I miss it so much. I have been so wrapped up with my thoughts and completely consumed. We had an amazing time together, but as I was growing and continued to get healthier, I knew it was time to make some hard choices. So with a heavy heart, I had my last soda last night.

Yes, you read that last sentence right, I said soda. I broke up with carbonated soft drinks last night. No more soda for me. I was a large soda drinker for a majority of my life. Drinking a coke with a meal or a snack was a normal thing to me. When asked what I would like to drink, I always said a coke. Coke was my water. As a teenager, besides sweet tea, I do not remember drinking anything else. Then about 6 or 7 years ago, I stopped drinking sugared sodas and switched to diet sodas. I LOVED Coke Zero. I drank so many Coke Zeros over the course of the last few years; I am surprised I did not drown in it. And when it was not Coke Zero it was diet orange soda or Diet Mountain Dew. I did drink water, but my preferred beverage was a good diet soda.

Today has been rough, I will not lie. But the roughness is all because of me. I have so many bad habits that I have to literally decide to go with the new habit every minute of the day. For example, today I ordered a Coke Zero and did not think about it. It was order food, order drink, consume mass quantities. So today was difficult stopping myself. I did not drink the Coke Zero I bought and I opted for a non-soda decision. I also made sure that I have had plenty of water around me. I ended up using the rest room several times today due to the water I drank. Headaches are here because of no caffeine. That will be tough too, but this needs to happen. I need to drink more water. I need to give up soda. It is not a friend of mine, and I do not need that influence in my life any longer. Will this be tough? Absolutely, but this is also the right thing for me. I am not saying that this is the right thing for everyone, but it is for me, and my doctor approves.

This is a lot harder job than I thought it would be, when I made this decision. Following through with a decision is always harder than to just decide to do something. I also know that to end this relationship that I need to be focused when I eat and choosing what I order (or not order). Home is easy for me. I got rid of all my sodas last night. I have PowerAde drops that are helping water taste less boring. I am sure I will be tired for a few days and the headaches will be rough. I know with the walking journey that through determination, I can make this happen. I know just like the walking that I can and will get through this. So if you see me out there, ask me how many sodas I had that day. With some hard work it will zero.

I will keep everyone updated on how this my newest journey goes at being healthy. In the comments section, tell me what your hardest food or addiction break ups have been? I would love any help that can be given.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey #24- The Redemption of Chris Hollister

The pics above are Chris, myself, and some other great friends at the Color Me Rad 5K! Lots of FUN!

Entry 24: The Redemption of Chris Hollister

I love a good redemption story. The fall from grace, the mud on your face, and the picking yourself up, cleaning yourself off and learning and becoming stronger and better. My favorite movies on redemption are the original Star Wars trilogy. The redemption story is of Anakin Skywalker, father to Luke and Leia. He fell from grace some 25 years prior to the last movie. He had destroyed the Jedi, and had unleashed tyranny throughout a universe. He was deadly and he was evil. Then he found out that he was a father. Because he was a father, he sensed a love for his children that eventually brought him back to the light. In the end, Anakin or Darth Vader decided to save his son and destroy his master the Emperor. By doing that he redeemed himself and coming out of the dark (side).

My favorite story of redemption is the apostle Paul in the Bible. As a servant of Christ, Paul was relentless. He wanted to scream to people about the Good News from the top of his lungs. Boldly talking about Jesus and what He meant to the world on a daily basis. Whether it was from jail, or on countryside, he stayed steadfast in the light. But Paul was not always that way. Paul used to be known as Saul, and Saul was as evil as they come. Saul persecuted Christians and murdered them on sight. Saul was relentless at destroying everything Jesus had created. But Jesus knew exactly what to do with Saul, make Saul His own. Jesus revealed Himself to Saul in an amazing way making Saul have no other choice but accept Christ. When Saul changed his life, he decided to change his name because Paul was reborn. Paul was redeemed.

So what do Darth Vader and Saul have to do with me? Well I am in a bit of my own redemption story right now. I decided openly not to take care of myself for way too many years. I decided that my life was not worth the life I was given. I decided that food was more important to me and that I was not worth the life I was living. I was destroying my own universe. With my depression, I stayed away from friends. With my addiction, I broke my body down, stretched it out to exaggerated proportions, and chose the terrible dark path over and over again. I ignored friends and family’s cries to help myself. I did not destroy others, but I did destroy me.

So redemption always is a slow burn. I wish it was like Saul who was blinded but then saw the light. But for me my redemption started with every step I began to take with my walking. My redemption continued when I started this journey blog. And my redemption will go even further when I lose the weight and get to a healthier self. I cannot wait for a day that I look in the mirror and I am proud of what I see. I am foreseeing a future with a healthier and brighter Chris. Participating in activities I cannot participate in now. Where I love myself and not depend on other people to love me but to find my own worth and my own value for my life.

Redemption stories in real life are never fancy. Redemption stories are messy. But redemption stories, just like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, are beautiful. As I said in last week’s posting, “I am awesome”. It all goes back to that. Redeeming myself in my own eyes and telling myself that I am worth it. I am special. I am loved by me. I am redeeming myself to me. I spent too long tearing myself down, destroying myself. Now continues my redemption to the man I was born to become.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris's Journey # 23: A Day in the Life

Entry 23: A Day in the Life

Disclaimer: This is not a “woe is me” entry. This is an entry to try and help people understand my life as a morbidly obese adult male. If I do this right that is exactly what this entry post will do. Please know that for everyone who supports me, I am more grateful than I can ever say.

I was about to write about something different this week. I was about to right about a redemption story. But you all will have to tune in next week to hear me talk about what is next for me. But I believe this week’s entry will set up next week’s nicely.

As it sometimes does, life happens when I write a blog post for Plain Vanilla. Right before I opened up my journey journal I decided to sign on to Facebook. While I was on there in my feed was a YouTube video about a response to a little girl that actor, Wil Wheaton responded to at a comic convention. She asked Mr. Wheaton what he did to ease the pain of people calling him a nerd. You see a lot of her peers called her a nerd, and it was growing increasingly hard to be teased. Mr. Wheaton said that he understood, and that he did go through it just like her in his younger years. He said there was not much he could do in the way of help, but that it did eventually get better and to keep being herself. It was a compassionate response to a legitimate concern for this little girl. If you would like to see the video you can go to this site.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04WJEEb33CY

As I was watching the video I came upon the thoughts of all the people that called me nerd. As much of a nerd that I am, not many people had called me one that. But what people had no problem calling me was “fat” or “fatty” or “whale” or any number of choice words for an overweight person. People even had no issues calling me “big guy” or “Hoss” which is not as offensive, but it still has some pain attached to them. Words hurt. I wish they didn’t, but they do. And it is amazing with all the sensitivity training that is out there, that being overweight is not one of the things people are trying to be politically correct about. Even as an adult that stigma of being as large as I am spans all ages and all races and sex. Comedians make their livings on fat jokes. Think about the momma jokes you said as kids. They all started with, “Your Momma so fat…” and then had a cruel or burning statement after that. All said in jest. All accepted as good fun.

One of the hardest experiences that I have ever had, happened about a year or two ago. I was getting home from a tough day at work and I decided to stop at the mailbox at my apartment complex and get the mail. There were some kids hanging out in the courtyard of my house (ages 10 to 15 I assume). I recognized some as kids that lived in the apartment, and I imagine that the rest were their friends. Well the kids saw me and decided to come near me. They looked at me and began saying, “why are you so fat”, ‘Dang, you are huge” and “you are so fat, you should just die”. Yes, to my face, and yes loud and proud. I had to just take it. Did, I want to hit them? Of course, but they were kids. Did I want to yell at them? Yes! But that would have done nothing. Should I have gone to the parents? Maybe, but they probably got it from them, and it would not have done much good. So I just left. I got the heck out of there, and sat in my apartment miserable. I wish I could say this was a one-time occurrence but it was not. I am unable to tell you how many little kids a week (6 and under) that see me yell out, “you’re so fat”. If the parents are paying attention, the “shhh, that is not nice” statement usually comes up. Then there are the parents that just let it go. I am not sure if they heard it or not, but they do not do anything about it.

Now there are times that if I know the child (my own nephew asked me why I was so fat once) or if the parent allows me to talk to them, I try my best to tell them that it was because I have not taken care of myself properly and that they should exercise and eat well so that it does not happen to them. I tell them that they need to learn from my mistakes and take care of themselves. I hope they heard or remember anything that I said; I do not wish this life on anyone. Even the rude. I have even had adults come up to me and ask why I do not do something about it. I even had one person call me lazy. I am far from lazy. Try and carry around this much weight every day and see if you do not want to do it for very long. My legs can press over 300 pounds. The reason is because of my weight. I walk around with an additional 250 pounds. I am not lazy, I have an addiction.

Not everyone can just do something about their weight. If that was true, I would be fit as a fiddle right now. You honestly think I want this for myself? Pain going through my body when I walk, having to shop in only one store to get clothes, or having to say no to fun activities because I am not physically able to do them? No way. Again, I would not wish this on ANYONE. Why would I wish this on myself? If I was able to just do something about it, I would have already. I would be fit and living an amazing life. Instead I am trapped and working hard to break out of this prison I call a body.

Being this weight has even prevented me from friendship and relationships. I have had women tell me “no” when I ask them out because I am too overweight or fat for them. I know there are a few women that have said no to me and even though they never said it, I know that my weight is why they said no. There are friends I never hear from anymore and it is because of my weight. Guys like living active lifestyles, and I cannot live that lifestyle yet. I am the conversation guy, and as my friends got married, conversation was not needed anymore. So I do not hear from some anymore. It hurts. I miss them terribly, but they have made their choice. If I can beat this, it will be interesting to see if those friendships return.

Now, this is not being said as a pity party. I am not sad or depressed as I write this. I am writing matter of fact, and I hope that it will help you understand that I did not make this choice consciously. It happened over time and like a thief in the night. It hurts to say that I did this to myself, and I did, but because of others that are not me, this life is made a lot harder. But these trials make me stronger and fuel me to work harder. If and when the time comes where my weight is not an issue any longer there will be a lot of people that might not enjoy the awesomeness that is me. Because please know this, I am AWESOME. Fat or fit, I am AWESOME. And nothing anyone can say can change that. I may be beaten down for a little while, but the fact remains that I am Chris Hollister and I am AWESOME.

Sincerely, Chris