Entry 9: With Black and White and No Room for Gray
One of the biggest struggles that I have with my weight, my food, and my exercising is black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is when you do one thing or the other, and do not entertain the thought of other options or continuing after a set back. For me, this thinking means, I am on a diet or I am not on a diet. I am either exercising or I am not. I am either on something or I am off of it. No picking up where I last was. I did not do that task; therefore I am not doing it anymore. This topic is so hard to talk about, so hard to describe, so I think I will give some past examples.
In 2009 at the YMCA at work, there was a 12 week challenge called, Ultimate Weigh Loss. The YMCA would provide their facilities, their trainers, a dietician, and scheduled programs to help people that were interested in losing weight. I succeed in this program. It was partially a contest and I can get competitive at times. So I worked out 5 days a week, I watched my food, and after the 12 weeks was done, I was 30 pounds lighter. I was feeling so good and I had confidence that I never had. Then Christmas hit. Then I got a bad chest infection for several weeks. After a month of not working out, I decided it was done. I failed at this weight loss try and because I have not been doing it, then I am done. No need to continue or to try to get back to it. I failed. I failed again. Time to go back to laziness and struggle. Time to go back to putting myself down. No one can make me feel as bad as I can make myself.
In 2007 I decided to do a clinic weight loss program through a hospital. I had access to a nutritionist, and I had access to a group of people that wanted to help me. I did this program for several weeks. Then the food got expensive. And there were limited choices on what to eat. I did this program for 6 weeks, until I could not take the food anymore. I decided to quit the program. But instead of trying something else, I quit all together. I am either on a program or off of it, no room for middle ground.
In 2005, my buddy Jonathan and I decided to do Weight Watchers together. We would exercise and keep each other accountable. We were strong for 6 months or so. I lost over 40 pounds. Jonathan was an inspiration. He was killing it. I fed off of that and it made me work harder. Then Jonathan got a new job with a new schedule. We stopped going to Weight Watchers all together. He continued to work on his weight. I did not. Not going to Weight Watchers anymore Chris? Well then I am off of this weight loss try. I failed again. Bring on the shame. Bring on the guilt.
The hardest part of this whole process happened at Thanksgiving weekend. I talked about this struggle in entry 7 two weeks ago. I really thought I was done this time. I stopped walking over the course of a few days, so that means that I am not walking anymore. I am done. Well, an interesting thing happened as you all know. I got back on the horse again. One of the things my counselor has been telling me is that when I fall down, I can get back up again. But it is my decision to decide, do I keep falling downward or do I get back up. Well for one of the first times in my life, I got back up again. I stalled after day 20. I could have stopped and said well at least I walked 20 days. But I focused myself and found a way through support to walk day 21 and then 22. Today was day 27, and it went great. I was late to get to the gym because of an assignment that came up at work, and when I got out, it was dark outside. I had a good excuse not to walk. But I decided to anyway. I just modified my walk. I made it a timed one mile walk, so I was not out in the dark that long. I did not choose to be on or off. I chose another option. I chose gray.
This journey is a constant learning process for me. With every walk with every journal entry, with every counseling session I have I learn to heal myself a little more. Healing me of black or white thinking is a struggle. I cannot tell you how many times I have quit in my head. Thankfully, my feet did not hear the words, “I quit” and kept on walking.
So as I continue in this journey, I will fight to stay in the gray. Please ask me anytime as to how my gray journey is going. Keep me accountable.
Sincerely,
Chris
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