Entry 19: Looking Forward Not Behind
“Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.” – Unknown
Sometimes one of the best things about Facebook is the random items that just pop up. The comment listed above is what someone posted to show what they are going to have tattooed on their side. The statement itself just slapped me in the face. The thought of backsliding and falling back on OLD habits is always in my head. That just one bad day could make me spiral out of control to the person I was prior to October 2013. It makes me shake my head in concern and also to why am I even thinking that.
Pre October 2013 Chris was a good man and a good friend to everyone he knew. He worked hard to have everyone like him and be there for everyone no matter what the cost was. It came at a hard price. The price was himself. Taking care of the people around him better than he was taking care of himself. Giving everyone steak while giving him metaphoric dog food. Everyone in pre October 2013 Chris’ head was ALWAYS better than he was. He was of no importance. Everyone else was important. He had to make sure that he worked hard to show it to people so that they would not look at how poorly Chris treated Chris. Pre October 2013 Chris was insignificant to a very important person in his life, himself.
Post October 2013 Chris is learning every day to see in himself what everyone else sees in him. This Chris has to work hard every day to acknowledge he is worth it to himself. Worth the love, worth the respect, and worth the attention. Not apologizing for just being around and offending people with his size. Post October Chris is learning not to take crap from people. If you are not on board to helping Chris take care of himself and better himself, then he does not have time for you. I know that sounds harsh, but that is what HAS to happen. Post October Chris likes this man he is becoming. And he cannot wait to see what becomes of him.
OK enough of this third person writing…it is starting to hurt.
The bottom line for me is this. I cannot look back. I can only look forward. I can't obsess about a setback. I have already come so far. I can no longer live in black and white. Gray is so much better. It has better feelings and does not show that I am a failure. Gray shows that it is a work in progress. A doctor today told me, when you lose 100 pounds, do not be upset if you gain ten back. Reevaluate what you are doing, but realize that you have still lost 90 pounds! I am not near 100 or 90 pound loss yet, but the statement rings true. In the mist of what feels like failure, celebrate the success and use that to get back on track.
Looking back will make you turn your back on your future. Looking forward will have you turn your back on your past and looking forward to all the amazing things yet to accomplish. Last week, I walked a 5K. But that is last week. I am now looking forward to March 8th, where I will walk my next 5K. On March 4th I celebrate my 40th birthday. On March 4th, I look forward to celebrating 40 more.
I cannot wait to see what the Chris of October 2014 looks like. I know one thing, he will still be grinding and fighting, but more he will be looking forward to what is next and not wondering what could have been.
Sincerely, Chris
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