Chris's Journey #12

Entry 12

Entry 12: Addiction

My name is Chris and I am a compulsive over eater. I have said those words before during an Overeaters Anonymous meeting many years ago. Admitting you have an addiction is the first step to recovery. It has taken me many years to be able to say those words and mean it. I was stubborn a very long time. Well not really even stubborn. I was in denial.

There were many times that friends would talk to me about my eating addiction. I would say that I could figure it out or that I had plenty of time to fix it. Or, I would just listen as my friend would just pour their heart out to me about wanting me to get better. I would nod or half-heartedly listen. I cannot tell you how much I regret not listening to the conversations more. It may have gotten me to where I needed to be sooner. It at least would have been more respectful.

The hardest part is the addiction. My brain does not work very well when it comes to eating. There is not a voice in my brain that says “stop eating, you are eating too much”. If it is there, then it gets shout down by, “wow this is good, keep piling it in”. I even have this irrational thought process that I need to eat a lot because I will never eat again. That has been something I have been working on in counseling for the past couple months. I still cannot understand it. I was never starved as a child. I never wanted for food. But for every meal, that same thought is always there. Eat a lot now; you do not know when you will be able to eat again.

So every day it is a battle. A battle to eat healthier foods. A battle to portion control. A battle to take care of myself. I am sad to say, I have not been winning many battles. Every time I walk is a battle won, but on the food front, there are very few medals for winning battles. I just feel defeated and wounded and hurt. And this is an everyday thing for me. Every day I feel this way. Every day I feel like I am going to battle without any weapons.

I have not completely won the war when it comes to exercise. I do win a lot more battles than I used to. Lately I have not been walking nearly as much as I did in the last few months. I need to figure out ways to challenge myself. I am working on that now (more details to come).

Then there is the war on food. And the enemy is everywhere. At times I want to completely surrender. But I think of those friends who were brave enough to tell me how they felt about me hurting myself with food. I will say I am better. The walking has helped me want to eat better. Want to eat smaller. But I am not completely there yet. I will soon be doing a huge counter offensive on the food war. I know I said you cannot just set a date; you just have to jump in to doing a lifestyle change. That is very true. But this battle for me is so different. It is just so hard. And I have FAILED so many times. Just have to psych myself for one more try. I wanted to get the exercise down first, then the food. As hard as exercising is, the food will be the hardest part. It always is.

I will continue to keep you posted about my addiction. This entry is just the tip of me covering this topic. Just know that I am taking this seriously and will battle again. Sincerely, Chris