Issue 27: Chris is an Addict
This issue was going to be completely different when I started it two days ago. I decided to change it up and be brutally honest. I am a food addict. I wish I was not, but I am. And I am hurting today. I want food so bad right now. I am exhausted and tired and all I can think about is food. I guess you can say I am detoxing. And this is so hard right now.
I started this new food plan yesterday. It is pretty radical and really hardcore. There is a reason why I am doing this new food plan, but I will discuss that more next week. But I am so hungry. I am shaky. I am obsessed with thinking of food. I cannot get it out of my head. Commercials are driving me nuts. Driving home tonight, I passed by 8 fast food places. Do not think I did not count. I have counted and I know where each of them is at. I am fighting the urges with every bit of strength in me. I feel completely chained down. Food has controlled almost every bit of my 40 year existence. I told myself on my birthday that this was the year I take over. As my friend Melissa said to me tonight, there are growing pains when you grow. I am feeling those pains like crazy.
To prepare for this food plan, I tried to think of everything I would do. I am an addict after all. So first I asked my sister to come over yesterday and take all the unhealthy food out of my house. All of it. My fridge and freezer have only my food plan food in it now, and they are both so empty. I put chairs on both sides of my kitchen so I have to move them to get in to it. I put a copy of the food plan on my fridge. I wrote a reminder to bring my lunch on my front door. I then left all money and credit cards at home (hidden). I would stop at any of those 8 fast food restaurants on the way home in a heartbeat. I had to do something to prevent that. That was the thing I thought of.
I am treating myself like a small child, but I have to. I will lose this fight if I do not do most of the things that I have done to prevent eating. I even asked a set of friends to be accountability partners for me. They are to check in with me and to hear me whine. And trust me I am whining. It has only been two days, but I want to quit so bad. I want to give in and eat.
There is a split personality going on. In control Chris and addict Chris. In control Chris knows he wants to accomplish a lot and needs to get healthy to accomplish any of it. He wants to do whatever it takes to be healthy and achieve all the goals I want in life. Addict Chris wants to destroy in control Chris. Addict Chris does not care what happens as long as he gets what he wants. Food, and any amount he wants. So the two sides of me are fighting right now. Axis versus Allies. Jedi versus Sith. Good versus evil. God versus Satan. I am so tired of the fighting and I want to give in. But as of 9:23 Monday night, I have not given in.
I am taking this fight one day at a time. I want to give in because I am an addict. I want my hit. I want the cravings to stop. But there is a light inside me that wants me to be healthy. That light is dim right now, but it is getting brighter. I just need to keep working to making it brighter. A light so bright that the addict Chris cannot take it anymore and the healthy in control Chris can win.
Sincerely, Chris
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