Entry 26: Struggling
• 64 times walked
• 118.9 miles walked
• 45 hours 59 minutes walked
• 34,008 calories burned
• 8 5Ks walked since February 3rd
• 5 Official 5 Ks
Those are very humbling statistics that I listed above. I cannot believe that I have done all that since October 2013. What an amazing journey it has been in the past 7 months. I still struggle giving myself a pat on the back for all the work I have done. I have talked with so many people about, that I should be proud of the work that I have put in. So many people have told me that I should be proud because before I started doing this, I had not walked as far as a mile. At work, I even use to use the security cart to take me from one side of the campus to the other. The last time I used that cart was October 2013. I will never get on it again. But I still struggle to see all the good that I have done. To me, I should be doing more. I should be working harder. I should be losing weight faster. I should be conquering my food demons better. I have not done any of that. Instead I feel struggle.
Let me tell you a story of my latest struggle (do not worry it has a happy ending).
Last Thursday I participatde with over 150 co-workers in the Corporate 5K, a charity race here in the Jacksonville area. This would be my eighth 5K, so no biggie right? Getting to be old hat right? Not so fast. I was not really feeling this race at all. First off, it was at night (6:30 PM) as opposed to the morning races I have been used to. Next, I had a sour stomach all day. Because of that, I did not eat a whole lot. Then, the weather was rough. Very windy and spotty rain made for rough conditions. Finally, last Sunday I had bought 2 brand new pairs of running shoes and was breaking in both pairs. I figured a 5K would be a great way to finish breaking in my brand new New Balances. Yes, most of you see where this is going.
The thing I am learning about the 5Ks I am participating in is there is a lot of hurry up and wait. You need to get to each race with enough time to park, get your packet, and find where the starting line is. By the time the race begins, you will already have been on your feet for an hour or more. For most people that is fine. I am currently 436 pounds. Standing with a 436 pound frame is not comfortable for long periods of time. So usually by the time the race begins, I am tired and ready to rest not walk. For each 5K I was able to push through it. With the help of some amazing friends talking with me and coaching me through, I had been able to complete each one.
When the Corporate 5K began, I was already tired, but I had my headset strapped in and was ready to go. I turned to my buddy Waco and Bryn and told them to walk their own pace for this 5K. Don’t wait on me. I know I am usually the slowest person walking in most of these races, but I am Ok with that. I am there and that is all that matters. So Waco and Bryn went on ahead and I walked alone with my music in my ears.
The pain in my feet began almost immediately. Sometimes my back hurts, sometimes my knees hurt, but my feet hurt every time I walk. Usually the pain lasts about a mile or so and then the feeling in my feet become numb (well no pain) and I am able finish the race feeling good. With my new shoes that I mentioned a bit ago, there was going to be no relief for me. This was not my first time wearing my new shoes, it was my second. I figured that I would break them in with this race. That was my biggest mistake to date. But with as much pain as my feet had, I kept on walking.
Getting to the first mile marker felt like I walked 10 miles already. I felt a nasty blister develop on my right foot (a foot that had been blister free until then) and my feet kept throbbing. No relief or numbness for my feet this time. But I kept going. I got so frustrated with myself as person after person passed me. I kept looking back and the crowd that was walking behind me kept dwindling and dwindling. That really started to get to me, but I kept going. I decided no more looking back.
The pain in my feet kept getting worse and worse. I was really starting to give thought to quitting and getting a ride back. I would have been ashamed of myself, but I hoped to have relief. I frantically got my phone and text two of the best friends a guy like me could have and simply said “Struggling”. A few minutes later I got a text back that said, “Praying”. That made me smile and I kept going forward. After another ¼ of a mile or so I breathed loudly. It was time to quit. I was done. Energy completely spent with hurting feet and a course that went up and down hill after hill. I could not do anymore. But God had other ideas for me. He was about to answer my friend’s prayer.
I was about to turn a corner when I saw a man and a woman walking down the street. They were chatting and saying good bye. The woman was carrying a “Happy Birthday” balloon and turned down the same sidewalk I was on. She saw me and commented that she had not known there was a race today. I said yes there was and that I thought I was the last person. She walked with me a bit down the sidewalk telling me how impressed she was with me walking. She said wished she would walk more. I told her if I could do it, anyone could do it. We talked for a little longer down the sidewalk. I am not sure what an angel looks like, but this one was in a yellow business suit and was beautiful. She said she was proud of me, and when we got to the corner she went to turn to go to her car and I kept walking forward. She wished me luck and told me she knew I could finish. I had to smile and kept on walking. I never saw her again.
I got to the 2 mile marker and was still struggling. Pain was shooting all through my feet and I was breathing the heaviest I had ever breathed during these 5Ks. I did not know how much more I had inside me. I saw a police officer up ahead and figured I would ask for help getting back. As I looked ahead at the police officer, a woman came walking towards me. As she came in to focus, I found that it was my friend Lacey. Lacey has been my friend and encourager for over a year now. She is also my nutritionist and when I listen to her that is when I am my most successful. As Lacey kept approaching me with that amazing smile of hers I greeted her with a “what are you doing here”. She looked at me and said, “I am here for you. I am here to finish the race with you.” I was blown away. At that time, the first time since this race began; I knew I was going to finish it. God had sent me a second angel to help me get through this.
Lacey talked, and played swing music to get my mind off things and keep walking. I was walking ugly (breathing heavy, talking in slurs sometime), but I was putting foot after foot on the ground and kept going. After a few minutes longer, Lacey says to me, “Isn’t that Tammy back there?” I turned around and looked for the first time since the 1.5 mile marker and saw it was Tammy and her son. Tammy is an amazing woman who is like me, a person who was an unhealthy and now striving to become healthier. Tammy’s son was an amazing support system for her as she caught up with us. So then we walked and walked with Lacey encouraging me and Tammy’s son encouraging her.
And if God was not amazing enough, he really, really had my back because about a ¼ of a mile from the finish line, my buddy Waco and his son Bryn came back to finish the race with me. For someone who had no support and was struggling, I now had an overabundance of support. I hurt, I was in pain, but if these amazing people were going to walk with me, I was going to finish for them. I was going to finish for me.
So finally, the finish line appeared and I crossed over it. Tammy crossed it a few moments before I did. I high fived my team and we took pictures. This amazing team of unlikely walking angels (and the beautiful woman in yellow) had helped me finish the race. Tell me that God does not exist and I will tell you this story. He not only exists, He answers prayers. As I said good bye, I stood there a moment completely in awe of my friends. As much as I wanted to do this race on my own, I am so blessed to have people love me enough to help me every painful step of the way.
So in this journey, there will be a lot of pain and a lot of struggle. I will be down on myself a few more times before this journey is over with. I may want to quit again, but I need to know that as long as I keep going forward, I will be doing just fine. I have amazing people supporting me and an amazing God who has my back.
Sincerely, Chris
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