Entry 23: A Day in the Life
Disclaimer: This is not a “woe is me” entry. This is an entry to try and help people understand my life as a morbidly obese adult male. If I do this right that is exactly what this entry post will do. Please know that for everyone who supports me, I am more grateful than I can ever say.
I was about to write about something different this week. I was about to right about a redemption story. But you all will have to tune in next week to hear me talk about what is next for me. But I believe this week’s entry will set up next week’s nicely.
As it sometimes does, life happens when I write a blog post for Plain Vanilla. Right before I opened up my journey journal I decided to sign on to Facebook. While I was on there in my feed was a YouTube video about a response to a little girl that actor, Wil Wheaton responded to at a comic convention. She asked Mr. Wheaton what he did to ease the pain of people calling him a nerd. You see a lot of her peers called her a nerd, and it was growing increasingly hard to be teased. Mr. Wheaton said that he understood, and that he did go through it just like her in his younger years. He said there was not much he could do in the way of help, but that it did eventually get better and to keep being herself. It was a compassionate response to a legitimate concern for this little girl. If you would like to see the video you can go to this site.
As I was watching the video I came upon the thoughts of all the people that called me nerd. As much of a nerd that I am, not many people had called me one that. But what people had no problem calling me was “fat” or “fatty” or “whale” or any number of choice words for an overweight person. People even had no issues calling me “big guy” or “Hoss” which is not as offensive, but it still has some pain attached to them. Words hurt. I wish they didn’t, but they do. And it is amazing with all the sensitivity training that is out there, that being overweight is not one of the things people are trying to be politically correct about. Even as an adult that stigma of being as large as I am spans all ages and all races and sex. Comedians make their livings on fat jokes. Think about the momma jokes you said as kids. They all started with, “Your Momma so fat…” and then had a cruel or burning statement after that. All said in jest. All accepted as good fun.
One of the hardest experiences that I have ever had, happened about a year or two ago. I was getting home from a tough day at work and I decided to stop at the mailbox at my apartment complex and get the mail. There were some kids hanging out in the courtyard of my house (ages 10 to 15 I assume). I recognized some as kids that lived in the apartment, and I imagine that the rest were their friends. Well the kids saw me and decided to come near me. They looked at me and began saying, “why are you so fat”, ‘Dang, you are huge” and “you are so fat, you should just die”. Yes, to my face, and yes loud and proud. I had to just take it. Did, I want to hit them? Of course, but they were kids. Did I want to yell at them? Yes! But that would have done nothing. Should I have gone to the parents? Maybe, but they probably got it from them, and it would not have done much good. So I just left. I got the heck out of there, and sat in my apartment miserable. I wish I could say this was a one-time occurrence but it was not. I am unable to tell you how many little kids a week (6 and under) that see me yell out, “you’re so fat”. If the parents are paying attention, the “shhh, that is not nice” statement usually comes up. Then there are the parents that just let it go. I am not sure if they heard it or not, but they do not do anything about it.
Now there are times that if I know the child (my own nephew asked me why I was so fat once) or if the parent allows me to talk to them, I try my best to tell them that it was because I have not taken care of myself properly and that they should exercise and eat well so that it does not happen to them. I tell them that they need to learn from my mistakes and take care of themselves. I hope they heard or remember anything that I said; I do not wish this life on anyone. Even the rude.
I have even had adults come up to me and ask why I do not do something about it. I even had one person call me lazy. I am far from lazy. Try and carry around this much weight every day and see if you do not want to do it for very long. My legs can press over 300 pounds. The reason is because of my weight. I walk around with an additional 250 pounds. I am not lazy, I have an addiction.
Not everyone can just do something about their weight. If that was true, I would be fit as a fiddle right now. You honestly think I want this for myself? Pain going through my body when I walk, having to shop in only one store to get clothes, or having to say no to fun activities because I am not physically able to do them? No way. Again, I would not wish this on ANYONE. Why would I wish this on myself? If I was able to just do something about it, I would have already. I would be fit and living an amazing life. Instead I am trapped and working hard to break out of this prison I call a body.
Being this weight has even prevented me from friendship and relationships. I have had women tell me “no” when I ask them out because I am too overweight or fat for them. I know there are a few women that have said no to me and even though they never said it, I know that my weight is why they said no. There are friends I never hear from anymore and it is because of my weight. Guys like living active lifestyles, and I cannot live that lifestyle yet. I am the conversation guy, and as my friends got married, conversation was not needed anymore. So I do not hear from some anymore. It hurts. I miss them terribly, but they have made their choice. If I can beat this, it will be interesting to see if those friendships return.
Now, this is not being said as a pity party. I am not sad or depressed as I write this. I am writing matter of fact, and I hope that it will help you understand that I did not make this choice consciously. It happened over time and like a thief in the night. It hurts to say that I did this to myself, and I did, but because of others that are not me, this life is made a lot harder. But these trials make me stronger and fuel me to work harder. If and when the time comes where my weight is not an issue any longer there will be a lot of people that might not enjoy the awesomeness that is me. Because please know this, I am AWESOME. Fat or fit, I am AWESOME. And nothing anyone can say can change that. I may be beaten down for a little while, but the fact remains that I am Chris Hollister and I am AWESOME.
Sincerely, Chris
No comments:
Post a Comment