“It’s never too late to start your life over.”- Judy Vilmain
It was March 4, 2011, my 37th birthday and I was depressed. I was 37 years old and nothing had come to pass the way I thought it would. If you asked me as a 25 year old where I saw myself in ten or so years, I would have said the following: “A beautiful wife, 2 amazing kids, and working with kids in a church as their youth minister. We would not have a lot of money, but we will be a happy family.” At 37 I had none of that. No wife, no kids, no youth ministry position. Wait, I did have something from that dream, no money. I was not happy. I was at my heaviest weight, 481 pounds. My heart ached because love had not swept me off my feet. My soul ached because I was not doing the job that I felt God created me for. I was so overweight, I hated myself. I hated everything I did, I hated everything I became. I just wanted a do over. I wanted to hit the reset button and be able to start over brand new.
Now for the record I was not suicidal. Thank God I had family and friends that grounded me enough to where I knew how much I was needed in this life. I did feel overwhelmed with the fact that my life was so messed up that I would never be normal. Never be healthy. Never be loved. Never love myself. But if there was a reset button on the “The Legend of Chris Hollister” video game, I would have hit it and started over again and not thought twice about it. But there are no reset buttons in real life. So because I saw no way out, I never saw myself losing the weight. I never saw myself getting married. I never saw myself taking care and loving me. I had hit rock bottom.
It is amazing what has happened in three years. I weighed myself today and I am at 384.5 pounds, 65.5 pounds lost since January and 96.5 pounds lost since 2011. I cannot remember when the last time I was at that weight. I do not exercise as much as I should, but I do exercise more than I thought I ever would. I have walked eight 5Ks, and I plan on walking more. I eat less than 1,000 calories a day and I am not wanting or starving for more. I had a surgery I thought I never would have. I have so much support from my family, friends, and even people I do not know about. I feel healthier than I have been in ten years. As of 6/24/2014, I am learning to love myself and I feel amazing! I am starting to think that I can get to my dream, just a little late to the party.
Starting over is not easy. Starting over can be described as hard. To me, I believe that starting over can be worth it. I am not sure where my life will take me in the next few years. I am not sure if I will be married, or have kids. I am not sure I will be working with youth again. But I am seeing something for the first time. I am able to finally see myself healthy. It used to be when I looked in to the future all I saw was clouds and dark shadows. I could not see my future. I took it to say I did not have a future. But now I do see it, as a healthy man. I see myself walking and swimming and working out. I see myself on amusement park rides. I see myself playing with my nephews. I see myself active and I see myself alive and healthy. It is an amazing vision to see now. I
cannot wait to get there.
Life is harsh and sometime dark. You sometimes cannot see three feet in front of you. But never count out the fact that you can start over. You can improve your quality of life. You can learn to love yourself. You do have to focus and you do have to work hard at it, but it is there if you want it bad enough. Then when you do decide you want it bad enough, tell everyone about it. FULL DISCLOSURE. Leave out no details. The reason you do that is to have people see and believe in your progress both good and bad. It is so hard to backslide when everyone knows your progress. This one part has helped me so much. Is it difficult to do full disclosure? Yes it is, but it is completely worth it!
So where do I see myself now in ten years? I see myself healthy and loving myself and loving my life.
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