Issue #33 The Battle for Me Part 6: Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been
It has now been a month since the life changing surgery that I had. It has been a month of figuring out who I am as a person who is healing and getting healthy. It has been a month of figuring out what I can and cannot eat. It has been a long month of accepting a lifetime of actions that I have put upon myself. It has been a life changing month and a month I wish to never repeat, but I am so glad that I have gone through it and am standing on my own two feet again.
I bring about my faith in this blog from time to time because it is an important part of my story. My faith in God and belief in Christ is what makes me, me. With that in mind I bring in one of my favorite quotes in the Bible, as well as a quote from a song from the group Relient K.
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” – Romans 7:15
The verse in Romans explains perfect of the food addicted male that I am. I have known for the past 15 years or so that I was slowly killing myself with the food that I ate and ate. I knew I needed to eat healthier. I knew I needed to exercise more. I knew I needed to cut back servings. And I did none of those. To this day, I cannot explain why I ate the extra pizza, or ate a whole 20 piece McNuggets with a large fry. I am unable to explain the 2000 to 3000 calories I drank in Cokes and sweet tea every day. I am unable to explain why I put my body through hell while I stretched my skin out of proportion, made every part of me round, and made myself almost unrecognizable to the friends and loved ones I have. Why I kept eating that led me to lose friends that I had for years because they could not take seeing me kill myself just a little bit more. And why I hated myself all the more while taking every single extra bite of food. I wish I could explain it, but I cannot. “I know what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
Now for the Relient K verse, which takes what Paul (the author of Romans) wrote and adds a bit more.
“I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again 'cause who I am hates who I've been. Who I am hates who I've been.” – Relient K
The song is a prayer to God, praying for forgiveness for the wrong they did. That is what I am doing here. I have this prayer on a regular basis with God, asking for forgiveness for wasting the body He gave me and in essence wasting the life He gave me. But I am putting this here to ask forgiveness to my friends who love me so much and worried about me for so many years. I ask forgiveness for my family who felt they could never talk to me about my weight and how they truly felt about it. I ask forgiveness to myself for not just hurting myself physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Who I am hates who I have been. But the word that needs to be put in bold and have flashing letters on it is BEEN.
I was that person, and I am not that person any longer. Now it is time for me to be the man that God wants me to be. Now is the time to me to achieve all the wonderful things in life my friends and family want me to achieve. Now it is time to be happy with the person I am instead of tearing myself down. It is time to get past this surgery as a stop in my journey and get on with the journey. It is time to get walking again. It is time to get to the next stage of this journey of mine. Next stop: Healthy, population me.
Sincerely, Chris
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