If you were tuning in to this week’s blog to read the final chapter of my “Battle for Me” series, you are going to have to wait one more week. I feel really bad about that, but I had to talk about something else. Something that has been really frustrating and slowly overtaking my life the past 3 weeks since the surgery. That something is the scale. I know I talked about it briefly last week, but I really need to go in to more detail of what happened over the course of the past 2 weeks.
As you know, I had the scale snafu 2 weeks ago where I decided to weigh myself early and I got super frustrated. Well this is an addendum to that. I weighed myself last Tuesday (May 27th) and saw that I lost ONLY 3 pounds. I highlight the ONLY because that was what was in my head. I was so angry and frustrated when I saw the scale only showing 3 pounds lost. I even tried to shift my body on the scale in hopes that maybe my body was not resting properly and shifting will help me lose another pound or two. All the shifting in the world would not help. The scale has no emotion, no feelings, it is just cold and calculating (literally) and it still showed me as 3 pounds lost. So I put my head down in shame and left the gym trying to figure out what I did wrong.
There were reasons why three pounds was a disaster. First, three pounds is an amazing amount to lose without the surgery. If I lost three pounds in a week before the surgery, I would be high fiving and chest bumping everyone. It would have been an amazing day. But this weigh in was after the surgery. I was still only eating 900 calories or less each day the past week. With having a surgery where an amazing trained professional (Dr. Arun Rao…if you get the surgery done, have Dr. Rao do it…not a paid promotional advertisement…I just really think she is amazing) cut in to me and remove 2/3 of my stomach. Also in the support groups that I participate in online, I saw some amazing numbers from men and women in all walks of life. I figured I would be losing 7 to 10 pounds a week. Especially if I followed the plan, which I was. So to see only three pounds, was so hard.
Plus 2 weeks ago I was 405 pounds. Losing three pounds meant I was then at 402. Still in the 400’s. I hate the 400’s. I wanted to be done with them forever.
So yesterday, I got on the scale again. On my scheduled day, just like I was supposed to. And what did the weight say? 399 pounds. Hey congrats Chris, you are out of the dreaded 400s forever! But did I see that? No I did not. I saw that I had lost only three pounds again. Was I excited to be in 300 land for the first time in probably 7 to 8 years? Nope, not at all. I was angry. I was hurt. I wanted to cry (I did not, thank you very much). 3 pounds again?? UGH!!! What am I doing wrong?
After the previous week’s 3 pounds and not crossing in to the 300’s, I decided to do a couple of things. First, I decided it was time to use MyFitnessPal again and track all my food. I really should have done this from the beginning because of all the protein I have to take in. I never liked tracking my food, so I didn’t at first. I need to be getting in at least 80 grams of protein each day and MyFitnessPal makes tracking that so easy. Next I focused on the protein and getting in 60 ounces of fluids each day. Before the surgery, 60 ounces of fluids was super easy. In an after surgery world, it is very difficult. I figured by tracking and working on protein and fluids that I should be able to knock this week out of the ball park. Fast forward to yesterday and three pounds, and let the self-beating up begin!
To my friend’s credit they all tried to snap me out of my funk. Francesca reminded me how far I had come. My friend Lauren reminded me that 3 pounds a week for a year was 156 pounds…which would be amazing. My friend Melissa told me that this was amazing and she was proud of me. When I posted my new weight total to FB I had scores of wonderful people give me love and support. I was not shaking it. It was not until lunch with my buddy Jonathan that everyone’s words finally caught up to me. Plus Jonathan gave me a nice verbal smack upside the head to tell me to snap out of it. I am so grateful to everyone for the kind words and helping me get out of my funk.
I wish I did not let the scale get to me as badly as it does. I wish I was able to celebrate every pound lost (51 pounds so far, 27 pounds since surgery) like I use to celebrate every pound lost before the surgery. But it just feels like the stakes are higher now. There is no going back to my former life. Failure is not an option this time. I am so tired of being morbidly obese Chris. I want desperately now to be active and fit Chris. As much as I want that however, I cannot be obsessed with my weight and that scale. It is not healthy, it is not smart, and it will do nothing but hurt me. The scale is to be a tool in tracking my progress and not the end all be all. I at least know what I am talking to my counselor about this week.
I am sure there are a lot of you out there like me. I pray that some of you read this and see you are not alone in feeling beaten up by inanimate object and a very real you. I am going to continue to fight not to beat myself up for what the scale says. I hope you do not too. The scale has no power over me. God and I are the only ones that have power over me and not a scale.
Sincerely, Chris
You are doing amazing. Just remember it's not going to disappear overnight. We have this. We can do this. Celebrate every minute and every milestone, even if it's only 3 pounds.
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