Day 7...so hard to write.
Entry 7: Peaks and Valleys, Highs and Lows, Missing Opportunities
I really do not want to write this journal entry. I really do not. I have been able to talk to you about all the wonderful things I have been doing. 20 days of walking, almost 35 miles walked, feeling more confident in myself. All really good peak stuff that I like to discuss and brag on myself about. Then there are weeks like the one I just had. The weekend was a very low valley that I am having trouble walking out of.
Peak (High): I killed Thanksgiving this year. I ate breakfast. I went to Thanksgiving lunch and only had a little bit of everything. I had a white plate and I could still see a ton of white on it. I went home and because I did not stuff myself, I was able to eat dinner at a regular time. Finally, I walked Day 20 doing a mile walk as fast as I could go. I got under 21 minutes, besting my personal record by a minute and a half. I was feeling good.
Valley (Low): I have not walked since Day 20. It has been the longest in between walks for me right now. Things are starting to snowball. I feel pressure on myself and I feel pressure from everyone reading this. You have not put the pressure on me; I am building the pressure up all on my own. I fear that I am disappointing you all. Because of that, I am struggling. Let me explain why.
In this process I am learning some things. One thing I have learned is that in order to have energy, you must use energy. If you rest and rest and rest your body, then your body goes in to an energy conserving mode. Once that happens it is hard to get your body moving again.
Friday, I did nothing. I sat around the house, I watched football. I told myself this was my rest day. I really did push myself on Thanksgiving. I enjoyed watching football and movies. It was a relaxing day.
On Saturday, I did nothing. I watched more football. I told myself I would walk on Sunday. As long as I got my walk in on the weekend, I was in the margin of error. But I began to notice something. It slowly became a struggle to do basic things. I was tired and needed to sit down. I just wanted to relax. It was like my body was drawing me to do nothing. The hard part was that I had NO plans this weekend. No plans to hang out with people. NONE. Most of my friends were out of town or had plans with their families. I also do not like to fish for plans. So, I continued to do nothing. Energy level kept going down and down.
Sunday, I did NOTHING. Again. More watching football. As the day got later and later, I kept telling myself I need to do it. I need to walk. I tried to get my shoes on but noticed how exhausted I was. It hurt to move. It hurt to walk. Body ached. I was able to see some friends for dinner, but that did not take much energy. They were the first people I saw since Thanksgiving. Besides that dinner, I did nothing else.
On Monday, co-workers asked how my thanksgiving was. I told them that it was slow, which was true. But as I write this, it is also humiliating. It is Tuesday, 5 days since I walked last and stuck on Day 20. Old Chris would be packing it in. “Well I cannot do it anymore, time to give up”. I am ashamed to write that. I told you I would be honest, but still it is so hard to admit. I am ashamed and angry with myself for not doing something that was so natural to me for 20 days. Now I made it a struggle again.
So here it is Tuesday, my normal walking day. And I am out of commission. My stomach has been giving me a fit since last night. I have had to stay close to a restroom. So, no walking today and that depresses me. But I am feeling better. Tired, but better.
So I texted Francesca and made an appointment at 7:15 AM tomorrow to see her. By hook or by crook, Day 21 will be completed tomorrow. I am sure she and I will talk about this, just like my counselor and I discussed this yesterday. I need to have a contingency plan in place to fight the laziness…to fight the do nothing today thoughts. I need to figure out what to do to prevent a weekend like this from ever happening again.
In this journey there will be more valleys I am sure. Times when I struggle, and have a hard time getting back on track. But the important thing that I need to remember is to stay on the path. This is a journey, a journey with no ending. So I need to make sure I get use to the road that this journey is on. It is one I will be on for the rest of my life. And that needs to become my new reality.
See you tomorrow Day 21.
Sincerely,
Chris
I hope you keep walking!
ReplyDelete