Tell It to Me Tuesday- Chris's Journey #6

It's amazing what holds us back, Joel Brown said it best -If we doubted our Fears instead of doubting our dreams, Imagine how much in life we’d accomplish”. Read on for Chris's number 6...

Entry 6: Letting the World Pass You By

The past two weekends I have gone out and done some fun things. Two weekends ago, I went with my dear friend Amanda to help sell merchandise at a tobyMac concert. The biggest perk of selling merchandise was also being able to watch most of the concert. Then this past weekend, I renewed a tradition of going to St. Augustine to attend Night of Lights with some of my Flagler College alumni and friends. It was amazing to be back on campus even for just a little while and more amazing to spend time with these people that I adore. This brings me to this week’s journey note.

Over the course of the last 5 years or so, I have noticed that it became harder and harder for me to go out with people. Constantly feeling in the way at a restaurant (having to always ask for a table when a booth is available), or sitting on a person’s couch and only enough room for me, or trying to find a chair strong enough to hold me. These are all things I have run through my head when I agree to hang out with someone. Then there is the worst thought. Will I have enough energy to do that activity? Now for the size that I am, I have a good amount of energy. I play with my Godsons, and nephews. They climb Uncle Chris all the time and I lift and carry them as best as I can. But it is usually the moving and walking activities that scare me the most. So the walking around St. Augustine or the mall or anything active makes me scared half to deaf. Showing I am weak. Showing that the weight has completely overtaken me.

So the past few years, I have been making up excuses not to go places. Genuine headaches that I made sound bigger to my friends, to say that I am unable to go. I would have an actual anxiety attacks that would come over me because I was afraid to show my face and body. Calling friends at the last minute to say I could not go, because I was too scared, too frightened that I would not be able to do whatever the activity was. I basically decided by my weight that I would let the world pass me by. Everyone else should have fun, but not me. I am too fat.

I am ashamed to admit that many of you reading this have been turned down by me because I felt my weight would get in the way of what we were going to do. If you are one of those people, please, please accept my humblest apologies. You did not deserve that treatment, but I gave it to you anyway. I am very sorry.

My weight has even gotten in the way of my love for working with youths in a church (or just in general). I do not have the stamina right now to keep up with all the activities that you have to do in an active youth group. My last trip I made with kids was 2005 in New York City. This was going to be my last trip with St. George’s Episcopal because after 4 years I was burned out. To be honest I had also been working as a volunteer youth leader straight since 1993. I needed a time out. The New York trip ended up becoming my biggest accomplishment and failure as a youth minister all at the same time. During the trip I was SO PROUD of how each kid on the trip as they all stepped up as a leader and planned activities lead the group on a chosen day or even plan a whole day of activities. I can still close my eyes and see moments on that trip. It was special.

The failure came with all the activity. In New York you walk. Sure the subways are great, but they cannot get you everywhere. So you walk and walk and walk. I also made the mistake of buying new shoes and not breaking them in for the trip. My feet hurt constantly and I was tired all the time. I was probably even 60 pounds lighter than I am now. But every day was a struggle.

On the second to the last day of the trip, the kids wanted to go to Central Park and see Strawberry Fields and the hotel where John Lennon was shot. The Beatles were an important band to my kids and I agreed to it because they planned it out. So the 7 youths, 2 leaders and I went walking through Central Park. I had been in Central Park before and it was beautiful as ever. Well, this day was similar to the other ones. We walked and we walked and we walked. I guess my stamina was super low at this time. The kids noticed how tired I was. They kept checking on me. Instead of me checking in on them, they were checking on me. It was losing focus of why we were in New York at all. The next part is hard for me to talk about. It was humiliating and beautiful all at the same time.

About 4 hours in to the constant walking, I guess the agony was enough for my kids. They talked to the other leaders on the trip and the leaders decided that I needed to go back to our hotel (well it was a dorm room…but that is a longer story). So one of the leaders, Kammy (also the rector of the church) hailed me a cab and handed me money and told me to take it back to the dorm. I was mortified. I was shocked. I looked at all those faces and saw concern for me. Love for sure, but concern was the biggest part. I felt so embarrassed. I said no. I told Kammy to send the cab away. Thankful she did. I told the group that I was tired, but I am here for them and not the other way around. I would not leave them. Then I fought to tough it out the rest of the way. Finally when I got to bed that night, with swollen feet and defeated spirit that I let every kid on that trip down, I slowly promised myself not to work with kids again until I could keep up with them. With tears in my eyes I finally fell asleep. Sad part of all of this here it is 2013; 8 years later and I have not gotten healthier. Some of my kids have gotten married. Some have had a child or will have a child. All of them are successful in the way their life is now. I am very proud of each of them. But for me it is 8 years later and I am still not healthy. For 8 years I began to let the world simply pass me by without being a big part of it.

As of the day I am writing this, I am up to day 18 of walking. Today was the hardest day yet. The wind was harsh, I was tired from Night of Joy the night before and I wanted to just relax. But about 3:00, I told myself that today was Day 18 and it was time to get my walk on. So I walked 1.90 miles and am ready for Day 19. Since I wrote my last entry, I passed a very important first visual goal. I walked a marathon in 16 days of walking. That is right I walked 27.01 miles in 16 days. A full marathon being 26.2 miles, I knocked it out of the ballpark! I did not celebrate with food. I celebrated with a pat on the back. I have so many other visual goals to get to. Next one up is 25 walking days. Remember Day 18 was today. I have even surpassed walking 2 miles twice. I will be pushing myself to walk further and further, just need to do it slowly so I can build up my stamina.

Before I close, I again want to express my complete admiration and appreciation to all of you reading this journey entry and all the support you have given me. As I told someone the other day, I hope I do not need the support to walk and journal, but I am sure glad it is there because it does make it easier!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking part of your very valuable time and being a part of my journey. I am so very glad you are here.

Sincerely, Chris