Tell It to me Tuesday- Chris's Journey #5

Entry 5: Wants and Needs

Weight Previous: 453 pounds Current: 451 pounds Total since walking began: 4 pounds

The thought of wants and needs has been floating in my head for the past week or so. I have said to several people , “For 39 years I have always been doing what I want. Now it is time to do what I need.” So the question is, what do I want and what needs to change so that I can do what I need. So here is a list of wants and needs.

• I want to eat without thinking about what I have to eat. • I need to consider every meal before I eat so I can make sure I am eating the best meal possible. • I want to sit on the couch and watch TV on my time off. • I need to get up and move. Without movement my body will continue to be the shape it is: round. Sadly, round is a shape. • I want to never have to worry about my weight again. • I need to take this addiction seriously. Like alcoholics need to stay away from drinking, I need to work to stay away from unhealthy foods and situations where I will overeat. • I want to be in a relationship right now. The loneliness is really starting to bother me. • I need to spend this time to take care of myself. Healing is hard when you are focused on someone else instead of yourself. Plus God will take care of the relationship in His time. • I want to have my shame be a quiet one. All to me, keeping the pain in. • I need to share my struggle with people. For support, for help, and for love.

If I think hard enough, I could probably rattle another 15 or so of those responses. But you all get the point.

So my struggle right now is shifting me to being an “I want” thought process to an “I need” thought process. I cannot tell you how many times during a day that the “I want’ thought comes in to my head. Maybe hundreds or thousands of those “I want” thoughts come in my head throughout the course of a day. It is almost like breathing. I feel like a small boy yelling to his parents at the top of his lungs, “I WANT, I WANT, I WANT!” I want a burger. I want a milkshake. I want the large curly fries. All of those thoughts come up during any hunger times or any meal times. And then I have to feed the want and overstuff myself of food.

The wants are not just for food. Sadly, that is just the tip of the iceberg. Almost when every time a walking day comes, the “I want to stay home and chill” pops in to my head. “I want to relax today” or “I do not want to deal with my weight” keeps coming up too. Want, want, want. Just wanting to hear the day that a pill for weight loss comes up, so that I do not have to do this anymore, and I can just lose the weight without thought or work.

This is where the needs come to play. I need to modify the way I eat. Every little modification means pounds lost. I need to get off this couch and use my exercise bands. I need to strap my shoes on and walk. I need to do things that may hurt now, but will help me feel better later. I need to love me better.

One of the other things I need to do is to be grateful for the people in my life. The ones I know and the ones I do not know. The out pouring of support has been nothing short of amazing. Wonderful people in all areas of my life have written and supported me over the past 5 weeks and I am grateful. I am doing this journey for me, but any journey is better with company. I am grateful for all the support from people known and unknown. I do not know where this journey will lead, but I am so glad you are with me on it.

Until next Tuesday.

Sincerely, Chris