chris's Journey #43: Robin Williams

Like the rest of the world, I was shocked to hear about the passing away of Robin Williams last week. It was amazing the amount of sadness I had for someone that I had never met. Then the news that came out later that he killed himself due to several things going on in his life including depression. Hearing that depression was a part of, if not most of the reason for him taking his own life really hit home for me. It again shook me to my core for a personal reason.

Like millions and millions of people around the planet, I too suffer from depression. Up until the surgery I took anti-depression meds. I only got off them because with the surgery my stomach was no longer able to absorb the meds I was taking. Right now I am currently being monitored by my counselor to see if I need to go back on anti-depression medication. The determination has not been made yet, but I am super glad I have my counselor in my life that will help me take care of me better.

I bring all of this up for two reasons. First, is to tell you my story. When I was in junior high school I had thoughts of suicide on a regular basis. I was not the most popular kid in school. I was picked on about my weight on a regular basis and really just hated my life. Because of all that, I felt lonely and in pain for almost all of my junior high school days. Thankfully I never gave in to the sadness and confusion that I had. I never was able to create a plan. Also thankfully that my Mother did not believe in guns or anything. I did not have a viable option to hurt or kill myself. God was working in me even back then. Thankfully junior high became high school and there I met friends that genuinely loved and cared for me. Loneliness continues to come back in my life on a regular basis still, but the thoughts of ending my life have not. My life is not perfect, but it is my life and deserves to be lived out.

My depression now materializes in wanting to be by myself and feel unloved. During my dark periods now, I do feel unloved (even though I know that is not true) and making myself feel as alone as possible. I even have a sad song mix on my iPod so that I can use that music to get even more and more depressed. Usually it takes me hiding these feelings from my family and closest friends. It is amazing, but I rarely reach out for help. I wish I knew why. I usually keep the hurt and pain inside until one day something happens where I feel better or am distracted enough to get away from the feelings. I need to work on being stronger to reach out to people for help. The easy way out is to keep the feelings inside. The harder and healthier path is to reach out and tell someone and have them help you out. That is something I need to work on.

The second reason I tell you of my battle of depression is to let anyone who does suffer with depression know that you are not alone! There are plenty more of us out there that suffer from this disease. And it is a disease. It is in the medical disease diagnosis book known as ICD-9 (and ICD-10). Diagnosis code 311 in ICD-9 and F33 in ICD-10 (according to Google). You are not considered broken if you suffer from depression. You are not messed up if you get help with counseling and medications. You are normal and you are being healthy if you ask for help. Help is the smart thing to ask for. Ignoring it or trying to hide it is the opposite thing to do. It is hurtful and it is the painful approach. You will end up hurting yourself more and hurting your family and friends more by not asking for help. I beg you that if you are depressed and it is not going away, then to please, please, please ask for help. Talk to someone. Consider like I do and see a professional. Consider medications if that is something that a doctor recommends. Again, you are not broken! You are normal. And I am right there with you.

I hate that Robin Williams thought that the only way out he had was suicide. He was so loved by his family, friends, and (like me) fans around the world. But I can relate to his thoughts of pain and loneliness. I can relate to him feeling like his life was out of control. Thankfully, I did not take his path. Thankfully, I did not feel that out of control. Please do not feel that alone to take his path. Take your own healthier path and take care of yourself.

You are not alone.

Sincerely, Chris