“…Your best memories were experienced through that body you live in right now. The most fun you’ve ever had was possible because of your body. The last thing you saw that took your breath away was seen through those eyes in that body. The most moving music you’ve ever given or received was given and received through that body. That body is not you, but it is the vessel that houses you and has been your constant companion. It was with you when you arrived and it will be with you when you leave. That body is something to be revered and respected.”
Source: The Liberated Eater, by Cindy Landham
Sometimes when I write these blogs, I have a very clear thought and am able to knock the writing out in one sitting. Then there are blogs like today that take forever for me to finally figure out what I want to write about. It is Tuesday afternoon and usually the blog is turned in and waiting on Francesca to post it. Well not today. I have had some writers block until, my former counselor Michelle sent me an email with the above quote attached to it. She thought that it might help me out with the journey that I am on. Plus it gives an excellent description on the body image discussions that she and I had over the months we met. I read the quote and it blew me away. I promptly went out and bought the book. I look forward to begin reading it soon..
I have no other body image but as a morbidly obese male. A protruding stomach, fat fingers, legs that are always bloated, aching back if I walk too much, and easily out of breath. I do not know of anything else. It is really sad, even to me. All the birthday parties I have attended have been as a morbidly obese man. Every friend’s wedding that I have gone to or been a part of has been as a morbidly obese man. My nephews do not know me as anything else. Most of my friends do not know me as anything else. Every date that I have been on has been as a morbidly obese man. My whole life has been through these eyes. I cannot believe I never thought of that before.
As I continue to lose weight (I am down to 405 pounds now, 45 pounds lost) I will be shaping a new path of this journey. A lot of first for me will be coming up. But the one thing I need to do as I begin this next stage is the last thing that Ms. Landham said in her statement, “That body is something to be revered and respected”. I have never respected my body before. My body was never something I considered as I ate and ate and ate. I wanted everyone to respect my body and not pick on me (see previous blog postings), but I did not even respect it. To think all these years that I ate and ate, I was basically picking on myself and disrespecting my body the whole time. Wow…what a fool I was. Please note I said the word “was”.
I am no longer that man. I am learning and growing to respect my body. Walking and exercising was the first step. The surgery I had 2 weeks ago was my second step. I need to grow stronger in my mind in the next coming weeks so when I am healed I do not go back to my old ways. I do not want to attend another party or wedding or major event as Chris Hollister, morbidly obese male. I want to attend them simply as Chris Hollister, man who is getting healthy. I am excited to meet more and more people and know they will never see me as a 400 pound man. I am excited to go on my first date and know that my body type was never a part of the equation for her OR for me. I cannot wait to take my nephews to a theme park and ride roller coasters with them. All this awaits this man who is learning to respect and not trash his body.
Yes, my best memories right now were experienced with the body I am in right now. I am happy to say that there will never be another memory like that again. So look out first date, look out nephews graduations, look out friends getting married. There is a new Chris in town and this one respect himself and his body.
Sincerely, Chris
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