Chris's Journey- Entry 16: Fear is the Path to the Dark Side

Entry 16: Fear is the Path to the Dark Side

Source Material: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkFRwhJEOos

It has been interesting the past few months of my journey, as the topic of fear as come up constantly. I discussed it in entries one and six, and a lot of the underlying premises of all my entries are in fact fear. Fear of failure, fear of letting people down. Fear of staying this way forever. Fear is almost like a natural emotion to me. Sadly, I am not sure what my life with no fear would be like.

A few weeks ago, my former counselor Michelle sent me a YouTube link to a video that was done for of the TED talks. The speaker’s name was Jonathan Fields and his topic was in fact fear. Now the first five minutes or so of the talk, I really did not know where he was going with it. It seemed to just kind of ramble with not much direction. About a quarter or so in to it, I started to understand what he was getting at. His three points that he discussed at the end are still in my head.

• What if I fail and recover? • What if I do not try? • What if I succeed?

When Mr. Fields, discussed those three topics I felt like I need to address them to myself. I also felt like I need to write an entry about it to see if anyone can relate. So let’s go one by one.

What if I fail and recover?

Failure has been common for me in my life when it comes to weight loss. I have had very few successes with it. I have failed more times than I can count and leave the situation more and more frustrated and angry at myself. So I am use to the failure part. But I never considered the recovery part. Recovery sometimes is not what we want it to be. Sometimes recovery is just getting through a difficult situation and learning from it. If I only thought of the recovery portion of failure when I failed at those weight loss journey attempts over the years. If I only learned from my mistakes, and if I only accepted failure as being a temporary setback? Where would I be right now in my life, in my weight loss journey, and in my mental well-being? I believe a lot farther than I am right now. But right now with this journal and with the support I am getting and with learning to fight for myself (finally) I am going to try and try again. And if I fail, I need to get back up again. Everyone falls, not everyone gets back up. I want to be one of the ones that get back up.

What if I do not try?

This is an interesting one to think about. The easy answer is that if I do not try, I stay in the exact same place I am at now. A limbo of going through life morbidly obese and alone. Not really having a true place in this world. The other side of the coin is that by not trying there is always what if. The unknown can be scary, but in this case it is amazing. Thinking about what could be also means that I have not exhausted every avenue. I have hope in the periods of not trying. Thankfully rationale kicks back in and I realize that I need to fight more. I deserve to be happy and healthy and there is only one way to do it: hard work.

What if I Succeed?

This is the wild card. What if I can actually succeed? What if I can actually take on and beat this Goliath of a task? To be able to go to concerts again. To run around with my nephews. To sit on the floor with my God daughter. To rough house with my God sons. To have nothing hold me back. I can close my eyes and see all that. It is a glorious sight. To succeed means the possibility of achieving my dreams. And those dreams are magical. And the dreams are realistic if I keep working hard. I am closer and closer to succeeding every day. These ideas, these dreams of success cannot be dreams any longer. They have to be reality now.

Chris’ Thoughts on Fear

Fear is like quicksand. It drags you further and further down. You sink and sink and sink until you are stuck. Once you are stuck it takes hard work to get out of it. It takes hard work to keep walking. It takes hard work to choose to eat this thing and not that thing. It is hard work to say yes to you after saying no to you for so long. Fear has controlled my life for as long as I can remember. In October 2013 I started to begin a war with fear. Every time I walk it is another battle won. And I will win the war. I never thought I could before, but after 4 months of walking, over 16 pounds lost and constant support of my friends and family, I now know I can.

Finally, fear is not of God. God does not want us to fear, He wants us to be fearless. “I can do all things in Christ, who strengthens me”- Philippians 4:13. I forgot this quote in this journey and it is now time to use it. I use to blame God a lot for being heavy and unhealthy. At times I even try to blame him again. But the more and more work I on myself, the more I know that to succeed in anything you have to accept the blame in what you did. I brought this on myself. I have not done the work. God, my environment, my family, and any surgical procedures in the past that I have had, did not do this to me. I did this to me. I allowed myself to be swallowed in fear and doubt. “Fear is the path to the dark side” Yoda said, but I can hear God’s voice in those words to me. If I continue to allow fear to ravage my life, then I will always be where I am right now. Morbidly obese, unhappy with the man that I am, unable to achieve goals I want to achieve, and probably soon dead. But, I am not dead yet, and I can do ALL THINGS (not some things or a few things), but ALL THINGS in Christ who strengthens me. Bring it on fear.

Bring it on fear, my friends, my family, and my God are ready to fight you for me. But more importantly, I am ready to fight you for me. BRING IT ON!

Sincerely, Chris