Chris's Journey #17: I AM WORTHY

Entry 17: Hey Wayne and Garth, I am Worthy, I am Worthy! In the 4 months or so that I started this walking journey, it has been amazing how many people have been saying the nicest things to me. At first I was embarrassed or even saying that I do not deserve the accolades that were being given. I was quite stubborn about accepting praise that I felt that I did not deserve. The reason I felt that way was I knew in my head that any day the walking would stop, and I would be told nice things that were not true. I was afraid (yes fear again) of letting everyone down. Funny part is that I was never afraid of letting me down. Why was that? Why did it never cross my thought process that the biggest person I would be letting down if I stopped walking was me? The reason I was never afraid of letting myself down was an easy one. I valued everyone over me, and I gave myself little to no value. Here it is my life, my body, my emotions and I never gave myself any kind of value of being worthy. It is strange, because I cannot tell you how many people I have told that they are worth it. Tell someone that they were worth the wait, worth the work, worth the love. I never told myself I was worthy. Never, not once did that thought even cross my mind. God give us all worth, and I never accepted for myself. This is very humbling and very hard to swallow. Here I am doing all this work and I was doing it for everyone but me. It is very hard to say those words, but they are the truth. I am not sure when things began to change. I am not saying I give myself worth all the time now. I wish I was, but it is far from it. But it is better than a year ago. Heck, it is better than six months ago. I am not sure what walk or what workout or what conversation I had that made the change begin. But it has happened in the past few months and the walking and the support and the love is helping me see my worthiness. I wish I could say it was 100 percent of the time, but it is not. The fight for 100% self-worthiness gives me something to continue to strive for. I know everyone in my life sees my worthiness. When people would tell me, I would laugh or deflect the statement. I dishonored them and their kind words when I shook that confirmation of worthiness off.. Oh the stupidity of foolish men. I will not apologize (like I normally would) for not accepting your words, but I will say that I will work hard to accept it now. I am worthy and I will keep walking for me. Me alone. That is how it has to be. I will take the cheerleaders, but I have to be the one I do all of this for. I have to work hard to believe that and to live that every day. I am worthy and by walking and lifting weights and supportive friends and family, I will finally, finally see the worthy me every day. One last note, I am participating in my first 5K on Saturday (2/15). I am excited and nervous. I am accomplishing one of my visual goals 3 months sooner than I thought. I cannot wait to share all of that with you next week. And when I walk this 5K on Saturday with friends and everyone else, I will be walking for one person that day. Me, Chris Hollister. And why am I doing this 5K for me?? Because I am worthy of the attention I am giving to myself, and I am worth of all the hard work that I am putting in. And I will not let myself down. Sincerely, Chris