Chris's Journey #13

Entry 13: “Every Time You Walk You Get One Step Closer to Your Goal”

So on Wednesday of last week, I went to see a new counselor. The time with my last one was up and I had to find a new one. I had done too much good work with Michelle to let it get squandered, so in my last few sessions, we discussed what I called “Endgame”. What happened after my sessions with Michelle were completed? To say I was nervous was an understatement, but decisions had to be made.

Michelle recommended a licensed mental counselor (I think that is the title) by the name of Hope to me. Before the end of 2013 I met with Hope and discussed her taking me on as a client and me taking her on as a counselor. We asked questions back and forth and got to know each other. Hope has a sharp wit, and is very intelligent, much like Michelle. Where Michelle and Hope differ is their styles. Michelle is very laid back and thoughtful. She remembers everything (both good and bad) and is patient. Hope is very energetic. She really gets in to helping people. And she will call you on things. She does not take shenanigans. I got a feeling she is going to really test me. I will be honest, that makes me excited and nervous all at the same time.

Hope tested me the first time I met her by asking me a question that has still been in my head since she asked it. And I am no closer to getting to an answer yet. Hope asked me, “Why are you afraid to succeed?” And with that question, that complicated and yet simple question my brain has been on overdrive. At this time I do not have any answers. I really wish I did. But I will continue to think on it.

In the second meeting with Hope we talked about me using absolutes all the time (see Blog entry 9 about black and white thinking). And she is right. “Always” is a word I use a lot. The more I fight not using absolutes the more it seems like I entrench myself in them. I just wish I caught myself using them more so I can recognize and maybe stop using them. Add to the list of another thing I need to work on.

Then Hope towards the end of the meeting said something that will stay with me. “Every time you walk, you get one step closer to your goal.” “Every time you come here you get one step closer to your goal”. She is so right. I am so focused on how long my journey will be and how I have to fight, fight, fight, that I forgot that I am so much closer now than I was when I started in October. I am one step closer than I was when I started with Michelle a little over a year ago. I am one step closer every time I put a healthy habit on myself. I am one step closer anytime that someone reads one of my entries and gets something out of it. I am right now closer than I have ever been to getting healthy. And guess what? I will be even closer tomorrow. And even closer a month from now, and even a year from now. Closer than I have ever been! And that excites me. As much as I wonder if this is all worth it, I start to tell myself it is worth it. And you know why it is worth it? Because I AM WORTH IT! I may forget it from time to time, but I say it now in front of God and the whole world, I AM WORTH IT!

On Thursday of this week, I walked my first 5K, well actually 5.60 kilometers. My trainer and friend Francesca was with me every step of the way cheering (and picking on me). I was so tired after the walk. I had three bad blisters on my feet after that walk. I had a bloody little toe after that walk (from the blister), but I made it. Was I tired? Yes. Did my calves cramp up on me? Yes. Did I kick a 5K’s butt? Yes! Another step closer.

So right now at this very second, I am a step closer. But I want company. I hope friends, family, and strangers decide to come with me to get one step closer. So I ask all of you, do you think you’re worth it? I think you are, because I found out that I AM WORTH IT!

Sincerely,

Chris